Shit makes no sense to me.
It’s like they’re all being held hostage.
Here are 50 of them:
1.
Retire somewhere pleasant like Florida, South Carolina, Southern California, etc.
Maybe on one of the Virgin Islands.
Retire somewhere unpleasant like Detroit, Canada, North Korea etc.
Work at Barstool Sports.
Retiring with a job at Barstool would be so fun.
Be a homeless crack addict who sits outside of the Barstool Sports office.
Politicians look miserable 100% of the time.
End up with a house full of 20 dogs.
It would be miserable for the most part, but also having 20 dogs is pretty awesome.
Move to the American Southwest and ride horses across the desert
8.
Adopt a mile long stretch of highway and clean up litter on the side of the road every day.
Make it the cleanest stretch of highway in America.
Coach a Little League Baseball team and get really serious about it.
Maybe bring in a couple of Danny Almonte’s.
Win the Little League World series then get caught up in a big public scandal a year later.
Have an ESPN documentary made about me.
Get super deep into wild QAnon theories and let it ruin my brain
12.
Teach English classes to prisoners
13.
Get a massive tattoo of a prison’s blueprints on my back.
Or if I never get caught, then I just get to be a rich drug dealer.
It’s a win-win.
Start a late in life rap career.
Work in a boutique flower shop.
I always walk down this road in the city that’s got nothing but flower shops.
The repeat customers come in and the old guy seems to be best friends with all of them.
Everyone loves the flower guy.
Make a living busking on the subway.
Live in the underground Las Vegas Tunnels with the mole people
20.
Some of the best times of my life have come when I was drunk.
What if I really just leaned into it and tried to stay drunk forever?
Be enslaved by the Chinese to work in the Tungsten mines.
Train to win the Senior Division Cup Stacking World Championships (if there is one)
23.
See if I can get popular on TikTok by only playing those dumb filter games.
This video has 7.6 million views.
Become his arch rival.
Battle to become the true King of New York.
Pick a really obscure Division-III college football team, move to their city, and become a superfan.
Become a town hero.
Explore the rainforest and have a go at uncover an indigenous tribe in South America.
Go crazy viral for it.
Probably better actually because nobody wants to read something this long.
But I’m too stubborn to turn back now.
Open a chain of nostalgic video rental stores and attempt revive the industry.
Get a room for $10 a night that comes with a bed and a fan.
Get really addicted to over-the-counter Opiates.
Get really into that weird kind of mini-golf where they play on concrete for some reason
32.
Start a sock company that makes fun socks with bright colors and cartoon animals on them
33.
Invest in the newest vape technology, start a vape company.
Convince everyone I’m not marketing them to children even though that’s totally what every vape company does.
- make a run at become the world record holder for most Reddit pages moderated at once.
Learn to sew and make my own clothing line of shirts even longer than Raf Simons.
Make Raf Simons sleeves look like a couple of chodes.
Infiltrate a less creepy cult who isn’t as problematic and just be a regular cult member.
I’ve always wanted to experience what a cult is like.
Shoot my shot with the Mean Girls in Dallas (what does that even mean?
like come take a stab at hook up with them?
what exactly are they asking people to do?)
Dedicate the remainder of my life to building the world’s sickest Rube Goldberg machine.
Get really into curling (the sport).
There was a curling rink in my hometown and they just drank and threw stones all day long.
Except some people were way too serious about it.
Eventually the ice arena where the curling rink was transformed the curling rink into a small ice skating rink.
So eventually they opened their own curling center across town.
Which still kinda blows my mind.
It looks fun though.
Get really into woodworking.
Make a shit load of penny hockey boards.
Also become the best penny hockey player in the world.
Maybe add in subways and trains.
Any sort of public transit would work.
Those videos do crazy numbers every time.
I really think someone could be successful using that concept.
Learn how to make an atomic bomb like Oppenheimer.
What a feeling that must be.
Become the best drone pilot to ever live in the Cape Cod area.
Become a furry and wear fun animal costumes.
I’m really limping to the finish line here.
Prevent WWII and the Holocaust.
