This is heartbreaking enough, but what if the product was truly, deeply, and utterly necessary?
What if the item being funded was vital to the future of humanity?
What if itfucking and totally rocked?
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I dont own a dog.
One day in the future though, Im gonna have the most advanced hound youve ever seen.
And its gonna be browsing the internet like I know dogs were meant to do.
This is one of the many, many, many reasons Im broken up about the failure of Dogeasy.
The idea behind the project was simple: to get dogs online.
As in, literally to get dogs using the internet.
But how would that work?
I hear you ask.
Oh ye of little faith.
Can I ask something personal: what happened to you?
What occurred in your life that made you dead inside?
Itd work like this:
Clear enough for you?
It breaks my goddamn heart that this never got funded.
Still, lets hope this isnt the end for Dogeasy.
I needed this so bad in my life.
The Home Wash Alert failing to meet its funding goals is the very definition of tragedy.
This is getting too much for me.
You know the feeling of wasted potential that washes over you when a young sportsperson suffers a career-ending injury?
Like the future has had some of the light snuffed out?
As though the world will never be warm again?
This is exactly how Im feeling thinking about society being denied the gift of the Handy Dipper.
For a short time, I believed wed escaped this nightmare.
Friends, that dream is over.
We were so close to utopia, but no one believed in the dream of the Handy Dipper.
This shames not only me, not only you, but everyone.
Still, at least we have some solace from the pain: the poetry that the Kickstarter left behind.
How are you feeling?
You imagining the everywhere in the image above crawling under your skin, much like that Linkin Park song.
Anyway back to climXalta.
It sounds like poison.
A spray that makes your skin tingle is not a Good Thing.
You might be wondering why I selected this as a Kickstarter we wish hadnt failed.
Its actually pretty hard to get poisons these days.
you’re free to thank the bleeding heart, PC, liberal brigade for that one.
Back in the day, you could get some arsenic over the counter at your local pharmacy.
Snowflake soy boys didnt like that, so they stopped it.
I mean, what happens if my partner or kids or dog is annoying me?
Currently, all I can do is shout and scream.
But if I had the climXalta?
Id just spray a bit into their coffee/cereal/water bowl and all my problems would be solved.
Actually, on further reflection, maybe its a good thing this didnt get funded.
Any product called Dirt Funnel already has my vote.
But if that hardware can save me not only time, but also money?
Let me put it this way: the Dirt Funnel has its biggest fan.
But, just in case you were concerned, the Dirt Funnel is a funnel for dirt.
If theres one thing in this world that I despise, its a sweaty child.
We werethisclose to solving that problem.
As they handed me the brown paper bag, I recoiled.
No, I screamed.
No, I continued to scream.
I wanted it blended up into a POWER SHAKE.
Why else would I have ordered the salad you fools, I calmly said, standing on the counter.
Unfortunately, Im not allowed back in that McDonalds.
Maybe McDonalds should take branding lessons from the Portable Rechargeable Blender.
Just think of the health benefits of blending up every meal.
Just jam that meat and fries into the container and mash it all into a delicious goo.
Even though its never actually existed, I already miss the Portable Rechargeable Blender.
You know how you have different bins, right?
Like loads of them.
Someone did invent it though.
The Shower Garbage Can.
Just the sound of those words together is a like a sunset for my ears.
And yet… theres a darkness to this.
And just to think, this couldve been stopped if we had the Shower Garbage Can.
You suck, readers, you suck.
