Catsis the greatest movie ever.
I was also high as shit when I watched it in the cinema.
But then, something magnificent happened: News of a Catsbutthole cut surfaced.
[Read:hey, wont someone let me buy a kettlebell?]
It’s free, every week, in your inbox.
I needed to see thisCatsbutthole cut.
And if I couldnt?
Well, I may as well toss myself into the ocean like the heroine in a Gothic novel.
But this trailer gives us a taste of what couldve been, and thats important.
Luckily, I can.
And I have
December 19, 2019: The Cats butthole cut is released
Things start slowly.
During the opening dance scene, fans are greeted with shots like this:
Confusion reigns in the beginning.
People walk out of the cinema unaware of what theyve just witnessed.
They know its something, they just dont know what that something is yet.
The globe is in a daze.
December 23, 2019: Showings are sold out
Word has spread.
Cinemas are overcrowded with people desperate to see the movie.
Other films are thrown out, most movie establishments now run for 24 hours a day.
A man in Lithuania passes away after watchingCats32 times in a row.
Instead of presents, people receive drawings of buttholes.
Instead of Christmas dinner, people eat buttholes.
Its a process known as furring.
Stocks in UHU and Pritt go through the roof.
Wig shops and hairdressers are raided.
Seeing this, all world leaders step down at once.
A power vacuum emerges.
She is the Jellicle Queen humanity needs.
These cats are welcomed into the warm embrace of Jellicles.
The movie is the only thing shown in schools.
This is our new socialism.
Every human on the planet is now covered in glued-on hair and has eight nipples.
It is the utopia no one dared dream could happen.
And, out there in the flickering depths of space, someone hears.
The good word (Jellicle Cats) continues to spread.
Fuck man, I dont know what to do.
Instead, they are criminals.
And should be tried as such.
But, I am a man of hope.
The world is in a terrible state, but you and you alone can fix it.
All you oughta do is release the feature-lengthCatsbutthole cut.
Then just watch everything unfold.
