Yesterday I landed at the Hartford Bradley Airport in Connecticut around noon.
I tried to dog him about the pressure of his stream.
But my urethra was as wide as she gets, and I was feeling myself.
Me: “Hey Nick, my stream is a lot louder than yours.”
Nick: “That’s because the distance between your penis and the bowl is greater.”
When you come at Nick, you best not… piss?
“She’ll be here soon,” I’d mumble with little conviction.
Mom’s been hitting it hard lately.
Long sleeves over track marks despite the July heat.
But then she was there, and calling me.
I picked up to her telling me to look up, but her tone shifted.
“I’m right overno, excuse me, I’m not your car.
Sir, I’m not”
I spotted our car just as a random guy closed the trunk.
Then he opened the back passenger door and was met by our two happy dogs.
Confused, he shut the door in their smiling faces and threw up his hands in confusion.
“Hey man, this isn’t your car,” I said.
My wife had rolled down the window and was saying the same.
“The fuck is this…
He was as drunk as they come.
Slurred speech, eyes rolling around his head.
“Dude, this isn’t your Uber.
This is our car,” I said, starting to pull his bags out of the trunk.
But he stopped me.
“Stop… whatwhat are you… Where do we go from here?
What’s next, from a human perspective?
I turned to face him directly now.
This is my car, this is not your Uber.
Those are my dogs and my family,” I said, as slowly and directly as I could.
But nobody was home.
The lights were long out.
“We good pal?”
he said, stepping forward.
He reached out for me, so I stepped back again.
But somewhere deep in his soupy subconscious, the dreamy conductor of his brain switched tracks on him.
For now he was holding his hand out, trying to dap me up.
I took his hand.
“Have a good flight dude,” he said.
“Ok man, you too.”
It’s been 24 hours, and I can’t stop wondering about this guy.
Where did he get so drunk?
I checked which airports fly to BDU.
Most of the flights are relatively short.
Did the flight attendant on his flight continue to serve him?
Where on earth is he going?
Did he make it there?
How many other incorrect cars did he get into?
How drunk wouldyouhave to be to put your bags into an Uber that had two dogs in the backseat?
