There’s been a whole lot of alien talk on the internet lately.
A whole bunch of wildly unsatisfying alien talk disguised as something interesting.
The fact that we have these Air Force dudes giving first-ish hand accounts is sort of something.
There’s definitely something fishy going on, and there are 100% aliens out there.
But we’ve learned nothing we didn’t think was happening already.
This isn’t an original idea or anything.
Dear Alien(s),
My name is John Rich and I work for Barstool Sports.
We’re a smut website with the word sports in our name.
Do you have YouTube in space?
BFF’s stands for ‘Best Friends Forever’, but they use it in an ironic way.
They’re not really best friends.
If you’re coming to earth, I’m sure you’ll be coming to America.
As a true American, I can’t imagine you would want to go anywhere else.
Plants are technically living too, but don’t worry about them.
Nobody cares about plants.
We’re trying to get rid of them anyways.
Humans are the ones you should probably worry about.
I don’t know if you have different genders in space, but here we don’t.
We used to, but that was many months ago.
I mean, we still do I guess.
Unless you run into this human wearing a dog costume.
You have to call him “dog” I think.
There’s something called football here that you’re going to want to familiarize yourself with.
Next, if you see someone wearing a hat that looks something like this, do not engage.
They can also be found on ladies attending a bachelorette party in Nashville.
Hard to say which one is worse, so it’s best to avoid all of them.
Even if sex is an entirely foreign concept for you.
It doesn’t matter.
There are so many fucking freaks down here.
There’s this thing called hentai…. Idk… We’ll talk when you get down here.
It’s gonna be a goldmine for you guys.
In America, we do something called “small talk”.
Nobody actually enjoys small talk.
It’s just something we use to pass time and get us one step closer to death.
“It’s so much more humid here than it is in space.
“It never hurts to bring up the weather.
People especially love discussing the humidity in one area relative to the area that they’re accustomed to.
“Is Britney Spears ok?
And everybody knows Britney Spears.
Whatever the person says about Britney, just nod your head and agree.
If you run into a Spears-head, you want to confirm you’re on their side.
“What is Elon Musk doing to Twitter?
He’s completely ruining it.
If he ever makes it to space we won’t engage with him.
“It would just be really awesome if you said that, or belittled Elon Musk in any way.
It’s guaranteed to be a crowd pleaser.
Everyone is going to love it.
And you’ll go viral on his own app which will be even funnier.
“We would have came to earth earlier but Jackson Mahomes turned us off.
Out of respect for your species, I will not post one of his TikToks.
“Boy that Joe Rogan sure is wrong about everything, huh?
“You might as well show a Catholic Priest proof that Jesus is fake.
Except Joe Rogan might be more powerful than Jesus.
“That will start a debate that our society might never recover from.
There’s a million reasons.
Ok, that should help a little bit, depending on how you plan to come at us.
I’m a 6'1” Caucasian American male.
I know that might not mean much to you as an alien, but here it’s pretty sick.
I have 3 single girls in my friend group.
They’ve been having a hell of a time on the apps lately.
I think they would be more than open to an alien partner.
I’ve never seen an alien movie in my life.
No matter what form you come in, I will accept you as your are.
Even if you’re like.. the size of a fly or something.
Nobody ever considers the fact that you could be wee.
Or even unseeable to humans.
That would be disappointing to some people but I’m ok with it.
I’ll try anything twice.
I trust you won’t give me anything that kills me.
A hallucinogenic serum would be cool.
For research purposes only.
I know Dave Portnoy, and I am willing to give him up for the right price.
I have his phone number.
He is my boss and all.
Aside from to Dave, I have no loyalty whatsoever.
Are you interested in John Mayer?
He has the voice of an angel.
I’m one degree of separation away from him.
Learn all of the industry secrets.
Get on a song with Jay-Z, become friends, gain membership to the Illuminati.
What is the Illuminati?
Nobody knows, but you’ll be able to find out.
What are they up to?
What are their secrets?
All of this information can be yours at the drop of a hat.
My DM’s are open.
Shoot me a message on X @JohnRichTV and we’ll get it all set up.
Live long and prosper or whatever the fuck you say.
