Days like today really make me miss Barstool Radio.
vs.Kelly Keegs(and everyone else?)
So I decided to write up a realistic depiction of what would’ve likely went down.
I compliment Dave on his outfit and say he’s looking extra tan on this lovely Monday afternoon.
4:01- Liz enters the studio on crutches.
It’s been four years since the car incident and she still has not fully recovered.
4:02 -Frankie lowers the intro music.
Riggs welcomes us in with his patented cadence and pauses between words, “Alright.
We’ve got a …. WILD….. show.
For you guys today.
They set the Internet.
Ablaze”
Dave interrupts Riggs.
“Riggs how are you so tan?
Where have you been?”
4:08- Dave mentions that he was out to dinner on Saturday night.
I stop him mid-sentence.
“I bet you looked so fucking sexy boss.
Hottest guy at the restaurant I’m sure of it.
Go Pres Go.”
4:15- Riggs throws us to our first break.
“Alright we’re gonna sneak in a break.
Alex and Jordyn from the.
As we head into our ad break, Liz lets out a feint groan as she withers in pain.
4:18- We get back from break and we delay the Mean Girls segment.
And then traveling in a horse and buggy from there to Houston.
Dave rips into him for awhile.
4:34- Back from our next break.
The Mean Girls segment is once again delayed.
4:30 is our Mintzy Daily Report segment every day.
We decide to save the Mean Girls for then.
In the meantime, Dave asks if any of us have been watching the new season of The Bachelor.
I say, “Only if you are boss.”
Riggs says he has and that this season has been an “electric factory.”
Liz claims she’s never heard of the show.
She adds, “I guess I’ve seen some people talking about it.
But I reserve Mondays at 8 for reading my book.”
Frankie promptly hits the “Simply The Best” music.
5:01- Back from our halfway break.
The Mean Girls segment is once again delayed.
Rico Bosco’s music hits.
The greatest caller in terrestrial and satellite radio has called in.
At 4:37 PM, Riggs referenced his “buddy Michael.”
Rico has a major problem with this.
Michael is Rico’s confirmation name and he doesn’t want Riggs ever muttering it publicly on the air.
He took this as a direct shot and tells Riggs that he just made “the list.”
5:14- Youngstown Bob walks by the studio.
He wipes his mouth with a napkin.
Dave giddily exclaims, “Munchtown Bob!
Look at Tonguestown Bob over there wiping his mouth!
Probably has to clean up that all pussy he’s been eating” and Dave laughs.
I laugh even louder.
“That’s so fucking funny boss.
You’re on a roll today!
And where did you get that shirt?
Best shirt I’ve ever seen.”
Riggs decides it’s time to “sneak in another break.”
5:17- We’re back from break and Alex and Jordyn are nowhere to be found.
We decide to pass the time by taking some calls.
22-year-old Steve calls in.
“Dave I bet you’re the best hand washer in the world.
Not a single germ left when you’re done.
I’ve seen your hand washing form before and it’s perfect.
Salt of the Earth.
Team Portnoy for life.”
Dave thanks him and hangs up.
Internally I’m angry at myself, wondering why I hadn’t thought of saying that earlier.
The next caller wishes Tim Cobbett a happy belated birthday.
“March 8th!”
Do you think maybe an XL would be better?”
Riggs gives a thoroughly detailed 9 minute answer and then says “Alright it’s 5:29.
Let’s sneak in another break.”
Liz has left the studio for a doctor appointment.
Liz has been struck by another car.
5:39- The Mean Girls finally enter the studio.
Frankie welcomes them in with the intro music “Dirrty” by Christina Aguilera.
(This choice comes from Frankie himself.
I asked him).
Alex and Jordyn take their seats.
“Uhhh have you ladies heard of the Bubonic Plague?
5:44 PM- Their segment is interrupted as Tyler O’Day saunters by the studio.
Dave stops dead in his tracks.
Tyler O’Day has once again taken his breath away.
“Tyler O’Day!!!!!!”
5:50 PM- Kelly Keegs flies into the studio on a broom.
She gives her side of the drama with the Mean Girls and talks about her blog.
Her, Jordyn, and Alex are all yelling over each other.
It’s hard to make anything out.
The claws are coming out.
I’m sitting in the corner grinning ear to ear rubbing my hands together.
The fight goes on for awhile and no progress is made.
5:56 PM -Smitty walks by the glass and slips on a banana peel.
“What an idiot!
What a fucking blockhead!
I don’t care about hand washing or dinosaurs!
Nobody in the world can ever be dumber than Smitty!”
Smitty barges into the studio.
It goes similar to this.
5:57- Riggs says “Alright we’re gonna sneak in the end of the show.
Thank you to the Mean Girls.
Prayers for Liz Gonzalez.
We will see you guys tomorrow.”
