Welcome to the second installment of “Dear John”.
A blog series where I answer the questions of Barstool Sports readers.
In my first week I received 43 questions.
In Part 1, I answered 6 questions.
Here are my next 6 pieces sound advice.
So guys need guy time here and there, right?
Early to mid 30s people are having kids, building careers, look I get it.
However, when you get cockblocked from friendship with the boys 99/100 times, something is wrong.
Knowing a best friend for 10+ years you ought to know what they enjoy etc.
Am I right to be concerned and call him out on it?
Its very apparent she wears the pants and denies him friendship and memories with the boys.
Sincerely, Mark
This absolutely calls for an intervention.
Don’t mind the fact that your good friend is at a pivotal point in his life.
You have an opportunity that most people will never have.
An opportunity to host aninterventionthatencouragesalcohol, drugs, and hookers.
An intervention that’sactually fun.
99% of people who host interventions are forced to do the polar opposite.
They’ll have some degenerate friend who’s pathetic life is going down the shitter.
Everyone sits in a circle and takes turns explaining how his addiction has hurt them personally.
It’s a horror show.
Nobody enjoys doing that.
But what you have here is different.
It’s also about getting twisted with the boys.
What it’s crucial that you do is organize the biggest rager you possibly can.
Invite the whole town.
It doesn’t even matter if they know him.
When he shows up, you blow his mind with the most amazing party he’s every seen.
Feed him a load of drugs, and alcohol.
Make it the most memorable night of his life.
See if that makes him change his perspective on life.
The best part is, the next day, you don’t even have to feel shame.
My boyfriend claims skid marks are normal and I am beside myself.
Listen, weve all been there.
But this is an every day thing with him.
He tells me girls dont understand because guys have hairy butts but I say this is no excuse.
JOHN AM I CRAZY?
- Disgusted from Indianapolis
It appears as if we have a real life woman asking me a question.
But because I respect women, I’m going to give her an honest answer.
Having skid marks on your underwear every day is fucking insane.
Sure, it’ll happen every now and then.
But if it’s an every day occurrence, your boyfriend has a serious wiping problem.
you gotta clean up that asshole.
So here’s what you do.
Next time you and your boyfriend are about to have sex, bring in a box of Dude Wipes.
Once his asshole is clean, you eat it like an Italian dinner.
Eat his ass so well to the point that he becomes addicted to it.
John, my wife of 6 years has the most disgusting habit ever.
She constantly leaves the bathroom without flushing.
I used to call her out all the time and shed just shrug it off like sorry I forgot.
But now its fucking terrible.
I can’t take it anymore.
Overall, not bad for a fugly need.
But I really feel like Im taking crazy pills here!
You guys are all living disgusting lives.
I know people who don’t flush #1’s for that reason.
But if you’re anywhere else in the world, that’s atrocious behavior.
Turn your bathroom into a war zone.
Dear John,
Im currently going through the worlds nastiest divorce.
My wife ran off in the middle of the night with our small child and moved out of state.
She hid my daughter from me for over 2 months.
I now have primary custody and the judge is ordering her to get mental help.
How do I make this bitch disappear?
What I can advise is that you slip non-lethal amounts of heroin into her meals.
It sounds like the judge is well on his way to making it so you have full custody.
All she needs is a drug addiction to fully tip the scales in your favor.
I am in a bit of a pickle.
It will not be a problem unless I advance far enough in the tournament.
My boss told me good luck - so that means I am good to go.
Should I play poker - or forgo that for my work responsibilities?
#WhatWouldJohnDo- Josh
This one is easy.
You skip the meeting and play poker.. That’s what you’re there for.
That’s the value you bring to your company.
What if life is not linear and we just dont realize?
What if every time we go to sleep we switch to a different time in our life?
And we switch back to a different one the next day?
Deja Vu would just be that memory bleeding over.
- Brady
I think about this all the time.
What if every time we wake up were a different person with a whole life’s worth of memories.
Tomorrow I could wake up a baby.
The next day I could wake up Dave Portnoy.
But if everything resets each day we’d truly have no way of knowing.
I might as well have as much fun as possible."
Something to think about.
Dear John (Part 3) will be out tomorrow.
c’mon do not act on any of my advice.
Do not take it seriously.
I am not a professional.
For legal reasons I think I have to say that
