People’s personal lives can be messy, and that certainly goes for the rich and famous.
They fall in and out of love all the time.
As well as in and out of marriage more, statistically speaking, than us great unwashed masses.
So no one should care if some pop culture figure is seeing somebody romantically.
Either casually or seriously.
But Leonardo DiCaprio is not just some pop culture figure.
He’s the apex.
The top of the food chain.
The one true Alpha all the Betas aspire to be.
He is, after all, the owner of the most impressive body count of modern times.
And the creator of the famous DiCaprio Dating Chart:
We want him on that wall.
We need him on that wall.
The day he comes off the market, it’ll be like when identical particles ofmatter and antimatter collide.
There would be a release of energy so massive it could destroy all we know.
Were he to ever jump the broom, our entire reality could just be blinked out of existence.
And for a while there, our fate was walking on that very razor’s edge.
Alas, it ain’t the case … and Leo’s never-been-married/never-getting-married streak continues.
We thought we’d lost our species finest swordsman for a minute there.
But we can cancel the Red Alert.
Take ourselves out of DEFCON 1.
Sound the all clear.
And go back to life as we know it.
The thing that was most shocking during this scare was the fact Ceretti is 25.
Meaning she’s about to age out, according to both the chart and history.
The idea of him putting a ring on it was inconceivable.
No disrespect to her, mind you.
It’s just that he’s only 49.
He’s still got plenty of years left in his prime.
Not to mention there are still millions of 19 year olds still unseduced by him.
(Remember: Barely legal is legal.)
Not to mention 3 billion or so men counting on him to conquer all those sexual mountains.
Not to mention letting down the team.
So it’s a tremendous relief to know DiCaprio will still be adding to his career totals.
We lost Derek Jeter to marriage.
We lost Justin Timberlake.
We lost Tom Brady for a while.
But I’m happy to say the GOAT is far from finished.
Wherever there’s a supermodel, he’ll be there, ma.
Wherever there’s a stunning actress still too young to buy a drink, he’ll be there.
And the rest of us can all be grateful.
Long live the king.
