This might end up being one of the more ambitious blogs I’ve ever written.
Not creative wise, but length wise.
Judging 257 total names in a single blog has the potential to be thousands of words.
Not that I’m going to hit on every one.
I pre-apologize for what you’re about to read.
Maybe just skip ahead to your team if you don’t have an hour to kill.
Having a good name in the NFL greatly improves your chances of success.
Well… it doesn’t… but it does.
How do I judge a name you ask?
I have no clue.
It’s a gut thing.
I know that I don’t like forgettable or boring names.
Smith, Jones, Adams, Jefferson, etc.
I like a unique name.
A name that sticks in your head (unless it’s really gross).
I don’t like nerdy names.
I LOVE a name that sounds fast.
Names with a lot of vowels pique my interests.
Hyphens and apostrophes are always encouraged.
And I like a classic football names.
And let’s just call a spade a spade.
White people have the worst names.
That’s just a fact of life.
I’m sorry if that offends.
But for the most part I’m just going on instinct.
Let’s see how this plays out.
Hope you have some time.
Also, I’ve decided to color code the names.
Green= Good
Red= Bad
Blue= Noteable
Black = Nothing
NOTE: I ended up dialing this back.
It’s still way too long, but I think it’s a little more manageable.
Couldn’t be more forgettable.
Usually hyphenated names are cool, but Taylor-Dermerson sounds like a skin disease.
But when you say Orhorhoro out loud it sounds like you’re choking on marbles.
Dorlus and Bertrand are old lady names.
when he makes a tackle.
Adisa Isaac & Rasheen Ali are very smooth, very fast sounding names.
Anybody named Devontez is destined to play WR in the NFL (nice combo of Dez & Davante).
More vowels than consonants in a 16-letter name is impressive.
Sedrick Van Pan-Granger is either the best or worst name in the draft.
The Bills also drafted Lil' Wayne.
I’ll take an apostrophe first name + Sanders last name on my team any day in.
We have another Asian leaning name in Chau.
Not sure if it’s a football name though.
Google says it’s Vietnamese in origin.
If this were a “having an oven in your garage” draft he would be firmly #1.
I had a Vietnamese friend who one told me that’s a thing.
Not sure if it’s true.
“All” is not a name.
It’s a pronoun.
Say it 50 times in a row and tell me you don’t sound like an idiot.
It’s honestly more of a noise than a word.
Matt Lee is as boring as it gets.
Tanner McLachlan should be playing lacrosse for Notre Dame.
I don’t care what your name is, if you’re initials are Z.Z.
I’m going to respect it.
There aren’t many Z.Z.
’s in the world.
The last name Thrash is special as well.
Just check out these Google definitions
Hell yeah brother.
Kinda wish they didn’t include ‘or animal’ in the first definition.
I’d rather not think about that.
But the name is hardcore.
it’s possible for you to’t deny that.
35% of all Samoan men have success in the National Football League.
I love the name Beebe for a guard.
The V’s hit hard in that one.
I’m reluctantly giving Bo Nix a “good” grade.
But objectively, Bo Nix is a name you remember.
I’ve been disappointed in the hyphenated names so far this year.
Estime would be tremendous if his first name ended in a vowel.
For example, his name was Armani Estime, he’d be a borderline hall of famer .
The Detroit Lions hosted the draft this year and decided that they were going to announce some bangers.
Rakestraw could be a weapon in a horror movie.
I can picture it now.
An deranged maintenance man sneaks up on an innocent cheerleader and slashes her across the throat with his Rakestraw.
Giovanni Manu, Sione Vaki, and Mehi Wingo are all names you have to say in full.
They flow too well together not to.
All three could have been born on the same tropical island.
The Lions by far have the best selection of names I’ve seen yet.
Although as a running back he’s definitely stealing a bit of Marshawn Lynch valor.
I appreciate the stray apostrophe in Ty’Ron as well.
The more apostrophes the better.
Evan Williams is boring, but credit for being named after a shitty bourbon.
Kamari is a cool first name, but Lassiter blows.
Blake Fisher is boring, but it is a classic offensive lineman name.
I trust a Blake Fisher to protect my quarterback.
Jawhar and Soloman could potentially be bad guys in a Disney movie who wear bejeweled turbans (i.e.
Jafar in Aladdin).
I guess that’s something.
Sorry, I won’t waste any more of your time.
Here’s the video of Sketch announcing the Cade Stover pick.
I’d like to see them on the field at the same time some day.
Good luck beating the Colts defense deep with the Jaylon/Jaylin brothers over the top.
I’ve already got a logo made up for them right here.
Print the t-shirt’s now Dave.
If only they’d put an apostrophe between them.
And you have to give credit to theJacksonvilleJaguars drafting bothJarrianJones andJordanJefferson.
I respect an organization who respects alliteration.
Hanson (OL)
Big fan of Kingsley.
Someday I would like to have Basset Hound named Kingsley.
Pair that with Suamataia and you got yourself true hog molly up front.
Unfortunately, I think Nourzad is the worst name I’ve read all night.
INTERMISSION
If you’re still reading this then god bless you.
You deserve a break.
Las Vegas Raiders (C)
Brock Bowers (TE),Jackson Powers-Johnson (G),D.J.
Sorry that joke was awful.
I should have run that by Nick Turani first.
He would have done it justice.
Especially when it’s literally Jerry Rice’s son.
Ladd McConkey should be a cartoon character.
Perhaps a whimsical child who wears a plaid kilt and plays the bagpipes on the shores of Loch Ness.
I hope I never hear him speak because I like to imagine he has a thick Scottish accent.
You’re gonna have to figure that one out for yourselves.
Leveston (G)
Limmer sounds like another word for blow job.
Kamren Kinchens initials being K.K.
seems a bit dangerous.
hey, whatever you do Kamren, do not start a morning show that revolves around coffee.
Aside from those two players, the Rams drafted an exceptionally dull list of names.
I know you’re reading this, Chop.
Every time you get a sack, I need you to do the “chop” celebration.
Since Chop is your name, they can’t even call you racist for doing it.
But most importantly, you’ll make Frank The Tanks head explode.
He won’t know how to process it.
He’ll be forced to embrace the chop.
You may even force him into doing the chop himself some day.
What a world that would be.
I didn’t think Walter’s under the age of 55 existed.
99% of Jurgens have sever pollen allergies and tape on their glasses.
It appears Levi Drake Rodriguez just goes by his full name, middle name included?
I guess that’s noteworthy.
Still a very vanilla draft from the Vikings.
“Drake Maye just be the answer in New England, folks!”
“They Polked the bear Jim!”
“Javon Baker goes for 13-yards and the score!
““That’s a Baker’s dozen Jim!”
“Marcellas is Dialed in today!”
If only he didn’t strictly throw 100 mph fastballs for passes.
Samoan names like Fuaga always hit.
I have Kool-Aid McKinstry as the #1 name in the entire draft.
Apparently the Saints have already once broken a Superdome curse with snake voodoo…
That has to mean something.
I haven’t even mentioned Bub Means yet.
Bub Means has staying power.
“Bub Means Business” could be a neat shirt (I’m stuck on wordplay now).
New Orleans with a great name draft from top to bottom.
Makes me think people with nubs for arms.
People with nubs for arms almost never make to the NFL.
But that’s irrelevant.
Tyler Nubin is a two-armed safety.
However, Nubin also makes me think of the word “nubile”.
I heard from a friend that Nubile Films is a porn company.
You gotta separate church and state there.
I may have jumped the gun on Kool-Aid McKinstry being the best name in the draft.
Qwan’tez Stiggers may take the cake.
People said including a Q, W, and Z all in the same name couldn’t be done.
But his parents said “Hold my beer… watch this shit.”
Jokes aside, Qwan’tez Stiggers has a very inspirational story.
He’s from a family of 13 kids.
His father passed away in 2020 after a car crash, and Qwan’tez dropped out of football all together.
He was working as a Door Dash driver at one point.
He then had a short stint in the CFL where he won most outstanding rookie.
But in the end he fucking did it.
He was drafted in the 5th round by the New York Jets.
With that combination of name + story, Qwan’tez Stiggers is destined to be a success.
Olumuyiwa Fashanu is a nice name and all.
Jaylen Key is another name I like.
I’m having a hard time looking past the strength of Qwan’tez Stiggers.
I couldn’t be rooting for the kid any harder.
Name-wise and skill wise.
The odds are stacked against him.
But if anyone can do it, it’s a man named Cooper Dejean.
Also, Jalyx could win a game of Scrabble on it’s own if played correctly.
He’s like the biggest guy in a biker gang who everyone calls Tiny.
As it turns out, Puni isn’t puny at all.
He’s 6'5”, 315 pounds.
When I see a Polynesian name I think, “Yep, that guys got a bright future.”
It’s either making big plays downfield, or opening up a body shop in Tuscaloosa.
Some real unfortunate names otherwise.
Devin Culp might be the worst of the day.
I don’t think that’s a crazy thing to say.
They’re just so much more creative.
I suppose some of those are kind of cool.
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a fan of I.V.
Stucker and Sky Dupree.
Ok the more I look at this list I’m starting to love it.
How come none of these names ever play sports other than lacrosse?
That being said, Jer’Zhan Newton has a tremendous apostrophe.
Javonte Jean-Baptiste reminds me of a 10 fingered Jason Pierre-Paul.
Mike Sainristil though… that sucks to say, and sucks to spell.
No thank you to that.
It’s finally over.
In just under 4,000 words.
If you made it to the finish line, give yourself on the back.
Or re-evaluate your life.
