Told everyone his teeth were made of wood, when they clearly were his real teeth.
Dick was smaller than he claimed.
Things like busting and pooping.
And if were being honest, he was probably the first to hit his wife.
It was the year 1800 after all.
John Quincy Adams (Quincy, Massachusetts)John Adams son.
Was born in Quincy, Massachusetts.
Named after his birthplace.
The internet doesn’t say where John Quincy Adams was conceived, but I bet it was in Quincy.
Pregnant women probably didn’t do a lot of traveling back then.
Andrew Jackson (Cockfighting)Hobbies included cockfighting and racehorse breeding (real fact).
Martin Van Buren was the 8th President.
William Henry Harrison (Pneumonia, Died)Died so fast he barely counts.
But I looked it up and it was 48 degrees.
Dude was killed by a 48 degree day.
John Tyler (Was a President)Begins a run of Presidents that nobody cares about.
Maybe that’s unfair.
But if I had to name every President.
I definitely would not have remembered John Tyler, as well as the next 5.
James Knox Polk (Ghost)Has been dug up and reburied 3 times, resulting in ghosts.
Zachary Taylor (Wars)Fought a bunch of wars against Native Americans.
Kind of a fucked up period of history.
Millard Fillmore (Unremarkable)Nothing that fun or interesting.
Most Presidential rankings have him near the bottom.
Franklin Pierce (Alcoholic)Died of liver disease.
Actually… it would have been horrible.
Everything aside from that sucked.
But at least you could be drunk all the time.
James Buchanan (Racist Virgin)Never married.
Bragged about being a virgin.
Has been called “Undoubtedly the most racist President of all time.”
Abraham Lincoln (Tall)Was obsessed with being the tallest person in the room.
Although the S didn’t stand for anything, so it’s kind of cheating.
Rutherford B. Hayes (COVID-19)President who imported Siamese Cat’s into America.
Or at least a guy who’s name sounds French (Guiteau).
They say he didn’t receive very good medical care after he was shot.
Apparently, Alexander Graham Bell tried to save his life by scanning him with a metal detector.
Hell of an operation they were running back then.
I thought it was the funniest thing I had seen in my entire life.
To me it was the height of comedy.
I was so right.
“ConstitutionCenter.orgis playing fast and loose with the word fascinating.
For some reason, after he was shot, they had an OB/GYN perform the surgery on him.
McKinley was shot twice, and the OB/GYN couldn’t find the second bullet.
Probably because it wasn’t in his vagina.
Turns out he wasn’t, and he developed gangrene around the path of the second bullet and died.
Theodore Roosevelt (Elephants)Pretty sure he hunted elephants.
William Howard Taft (Fun)A lot of fun things about Taft.
He weighed over 350 pounds and got stuck in a bathtub.
He was the first President to throw out a first pitch at a baseball game.
Was a heavyweight wrestling champion at Yale.
He was buried in a piano.
Which is kinda crazy that he could fit in a piano but not a bathtub.
The internet would have had a field day with him.
Woodrow Wilson (Sheep)Kept a flock of sheep on the White House lawn.
Sometimes perverts have sex with sheep.
But I won’t jump to any conclusions.
I’m sure Wilson had them for non-sexual purposed.
I just went down a sheep fucking rabbit hole that really fucked up my whole day.
He was elected in 1929, so say he made that quote in 1930.
Adjusted for inflation, that is $17.5 million today.
Franklin D. Roosevelt (Ugly Wife)A lot of people say he had an ugly wife.
His death was probably not a conspiracy.
In many ways he’s the Barry Bonds of Presidents.
IDFK I’m just trying to get this to the finish line.
Gerald Ford (Football)Won 3 National Championships at the University of Michigan.
Was MVP his senior year.
Could have played in the NFL.
Kept a pet wolverine in the White House.
Jimmy Carter (Still Alive)I saw a picture of him on Twitter the other day.
He’s so old.
He’s lived 42 years since he left office.
43% of his life has come after he was President.
That’s pretty impressive.
Ronald Reagan (Jelly Beans)He loved jelly beans, but his favorite flavor was licorice.
Imagine fucking a guy who eats licorice jelly beans all day.
If you laugh at that you’re going to hell.
Bill Clinton (Sex guy)Big sex guy.
George W. Bush (9/11)Defeated the terrorists by throwing out the first pitch at a Yankees game.
Barack Obama (College Basketball Player)Leading scorer & 2nd-Team All-Ivy League at Columbia University.
Forwent the NBA draft to attend Harvard Law School.
Donald Trump (Orange)Bad orange man.
Objectively the funniest President.
Dave Portnoy (VIVA)My president.
