A couple of weeks ago, I had a bit of an epiphany.
Both boys live out of state and are in the early stages of starting their careers.
At on some level, it struck me that that’s the ultimate goal.
“Couples Goals,” decades before anybody coined the term.
Everything else is secondary.
And this was probably the first time I’d ever thought about this.
And here, in 2023, we were those people.
Old in somebody else’s eyes.
(Though with all humility, we’re keeping itTIGHT.)
But that I’ve become that guy I was giving silent, unexpressed respect to all those years ago.
Only a few miles up the coast.
But with the exact person attached to the exact hand that was meant to be holding mine.
I bring this up because today is our 30th anniversary.
If you know nothing else about me, understand that I’ve been paying close attention these many years.
And anyone who knows me knows I will always choose the least I can do.
Well today is just such a day.
Because today is my and my beguiling Irish Rose’s 25th wedding anniversary.
As Peter Parker’s Gentle Uncle Ben said, with great power comes great responsibility.
So listen up, you might learn something.
“My wife was complaining that I don’t listen to her.
At least I think that’s what she was saying.
I wasn’t really paying attention.
TV doctors say it.
Well it’s never been tried.
And I know for sure I wasn’t going to take that giant leap for mankind, Neil Armstrong.
I’m not saying don’t talk; you should.
But there are limits.
Let me give you a real life example.
And Pauline went to Delores to tell her but Delores didn’t even care and Pauline was really upset.
Or worse yet, to try and work the problem.
Well that’s a rookie move, newbie.
It took me years of trial and error to realize no wife is interested in your advice.
You’re not there to offer solutions, Dr. Oz.
You are there to listen.
Sit there, chew your food.
But if you really want to be a good husband, don’t do anything else.
It sounds counter-intuitive, but doing anything more is overstepping your authority.
Marry Someone Who Shares Your Interests.
Or at Least Respects Them.
“Never marry someone who doesn’t love the same movies you do.
Because eventually they’ll stop loving you too.
I’ll stick with the Ebert thing because I think it’s a great metaphor for bigger issues.
When I met the Irish Rose, she owned the entire first Star Wars trilogy on VHS.
At a time when boxed sets of any movies weren’t common.
So yes, I was intrigued.
Then to get out of it, she had to buy two titles.
Without checking with me, she got Patton and The Godfather.
I was at the jewelers the next day.
It’s not the perfect relationship in that regards.
She’ll never watch brilliantly stupid comedies like Step Brothers or Ron Burgundy, say.
But Sharing Their Interests is a Good Thing.
“We fill gaps.
She’s got gaps.
“- Rocky Balboa
Stubbornness is your mortal enemy.
The willingness to try new things is your friend.
I didn’t become a genuine, un-ironic fan of figure skating on my own.
I married someone who used to compete for Skating Club of Boston.
She two-footed the landing” a second before Johnny Weir says it.
That’s a little thing I consider “personal growth.”
Same with Broadway music.
I’m not ashamed to admit it.
However, Do Stuff That is Entirely Your Own.
“Get a life!
But I told her to give it a shot, get a small part and we’ll be fine.
And came home saying “They cast me as Maria.”
It was injected right into her veins, which was the best of all possible things.
She became part of subculture of weirdo theater folk.
With friends, rivals, frenemies.
A total social circle that didn’t involve the rest of us, other than coming to the shows.
A world that was hers and hers alone.
Granted, it was an adjustment for them watching her make out with Captain von Trapp.
And seeing her in a nun outfit wasn’t the easiest for me.
(I asked if she was going wear it around the house and she said “Why?
Do you want me to get a ruler and hit you with it?”
and I told the last thing I need in our bedroom is a ruler.
For her, it’s musicals.
For me, it’s stand up.
Find Someone Who’ll Be Unrelentingly Supportive and You Be the Same.
“My dad says having dreams is what makes life tolerable.
Only this one counts.
That, and the aforementioned movie choices.
And shortly after we got married, I got laid off.
With a brand new mortgage and a baby on the way.
Until it didn’t.
It’s a license to print cash.
And she talked me out of it.
Even if it didn’t pay off.
Even though we had a mountain of bills.
And now Barstool is a flourishing media empire and it’s my career.
Which leads me to:
Don’t Be a Dink.
I am just as much devoted to Mrs. Roosevelt now as I ever was.
“- Teddy Roosevelt
This one couldn’t be more straight forward.
Just be nice to her.
If they give you some leeway, don’t abuse the trust.
Believe me, I’ve pushed the envelope a few times.
Stayed out later than I should and so on.
Like my brother puts it, we are all basically dogs.
And I’ve choked myself on the leash more times than I should have in 25 years.
But it’s not a big ask to just be responsible to someone important to you.
As a matter of fact, it’s one of life’s greatest blessings.
Just to be nice to someone who’s nice to you back.
To make each other feel good about who you are and who you’re with.
It sounds really trite, but it’s the whole ballgame.
People who absolutely despised each other to an extent I’ve never seen before or since.
Fighting over the kids.
It was their 14-year-old’s funeral.
I am not making that up.
And my thought with couples like was always the same: When did it change?
Because nobody acts like that on the first date.
Or the second or third.
But somewhere along the way it went horribly, horribly wrong.
So my advice to you is don’t let it.
My advice to you is to accept nothing less.
Thus endeth the lesson.
And thanks to the one who’s put up with nonsense for 30 years.
Nothing else has mattered to me.
In the words of GK Chesterton, “Here ends my previous existence.
Take it: it led me to you.
