One that would spark interest in science.
Appreciation for the miracle that is our cosmos.
Or to be more accurate, to go online to remind us just how bananaland they already are.
People can have all the information ever compiled by mankind available on a rectangle in their pocket.
And it’s not like fate hasn’t handed the crackpots butt tons of material to work with lately.
The Eclipse Pregame Show has been a checklist of doomsday scenarios to tie into this thing.
A horrifying bridge collapse.
A freakishly rare earthquake in the northeast.
A major blizzard in April.Madam Web.
As the Joker put it, “Madness, as you know, is a lot like gravity.
All it takes is a little push.”
So let’s have at them.
The most bonkers End of Days theories being bandied about these past few weeks.
In no particular order:
Cicadas.
Let’s go right to the Old Testament stuff.
April 2024 isn’t just giving us an eclipse.
We’re also about to receive delivery of not one but two major swarms of locusts.
Seven different species in all:
Jonah.
You don’t have to be a Bible scholar to be familiar with the story of Jonah.
“a Jonah” because bad things happen whenever he’s on watch.
“Not everything is in your books, Stephen,” he says.
Or as Jordan Peterson puts it, hell.
For three days, before he’s learned his lesson and proceeds to redeem himself.
So how does factor into the eclipse?
“Salem” being a shortened version of Jerusalem:
CERN.
Which is “Ley Lines” of energy that connect various historic sites across the globe.
Grey alien-like figures who hide in plain sight among us.Or something.
Well some of those same people are claiming those same pesky giants are taking center stage today as well.
How do we know, aside from the name being right there in the name of the place?
Well because apparently in South Africa, Makanda translates to “Little People.”
Which in this case, refers to us.
Here’s TikTok (of course) to explain:
So there you have it.
Or part of it, anyway.
With plagues of bugs.
Tie ins to the Old Testament.
Crazy European physicists opening up worm holes to other dimensions.
Black ops government agents controlling the weather so they can hunt some Goliaths.
Basically so much more than just a shadow moving across North America for a few minutes.
Personally, as much as I like a good conspiracy theory, these are not that.
But still, nice try by the internet.
But if you’ve been paying attention all this time, you realize that’s not how this works.
And I guess eventually they’ll get one right.
And if by some chance they do happen to nail this particular doomsday prediction?
Hey, we had a good run.
It’s been nice knowing you.
