“There’s a new sheriff in town!”
The Rat Czar’s name is Kathleen Corradi.
I’m not sure what her qualifications are.
I’m not one to read articles, or write factual stories.
I’m more interested in speculating wildly on how the Rat Czar came to be.
By all measurements, The Rat Czar should be a true New Yorker.
But there’s one thing about the city that The Rat Czar has always refused to embrace.
“EEEEK!!!
IT’S A RAT!!!
“, she would scream.
For the longest time, she avoided rats like the plague.
Her stubbornness caused a rift in their friendship.
Carole:“They’re not even rats, they’re mice.”
Rat Czar:“Mice are just rats with better PR.”
Rat Czar:“What the fuck Carole?
You’re really having another rat themed birthday party?
This is starting to feel personal.”
Carole:“Again, they’re mice.
And not everything is about you.
I refuse to be held hostage by your irrational fears.
I saw a commercial for Mouse Trap the other day and it looked incredible.
It’s my birthday, and I want to play Mouse Trap.”
Rat Czar:“I thought we were past this bizarre rodent party phase.
Remember how much fun we had at the water park for your 10th birthday?
Why don’t we just do that again?”
Carole:“How dare you suggest that.
You know that my dad was laid-off.
We can’t afford to take the whole class to the water park this year.”
Rat Czar:“Then why are you inviting the whole class?
You don’t have to do that.
Nobody else does that.
You’re the only person who invites everybody in our class.
We don’t even like most of our classmates.
Just invite 5 or 6 people to the water park.
That would be way more fun.”
Carole:“Well I’m sorry for being inclusive.
Have you even seen the Mouse Trap commercial?
It’s so good.
It’s the coolest board game I’ve ever seen.
The Rat Czar eventually watched the commercial.
She couldn’t deny that the game looked spectacular.
At the party, the kids wasted no time.
They had all seen the commercial as well, and were just as fired up as Carole.
Carole set up the game, and they began to play.
Within 10 minutes they realized that in reality, Mouse Trap sucked.
It was far too complicated, and nothing like the commercial.
“OH COME ON!
Do you realize what it took for me to get here.
I stole drugs from my mom.
I’m 11-years old, and I stole drugs from my mom.
Do you know how addictive Xanax is?
And you’re just going to quit after 10 minutes?
Not on my watch.
Everybody sit the FUCK back down.
We’re playing Mouse Trap whether you like it or not.”
The Rat Czar took control of the game.
When the game was over, everyone at the party agreed that the game was, “ok”.
Better yet, The Rat Czar had overcome her fear of rats.
This completely hypothetic person spent the majority of her career as an educator.
Until 2015, when she caught her big break.
She learned that the Department of Education was hiring for a Sustainability Manager.
She had always wanted to be a Sustainability Manager.
As a Sustainability Manager, sheoversaw the implementation of sustainability strategies during a project.
It was her dream job.
As the NYC Department of Education’s Sustainability Manager, she did a lot of things.
She did all of the things she was supposed to do from 2015-2021.
She did the things so well, that in 2021 she was promoted to ‘Director Space Planning’.
As Director Space Planning, she caught the attention of beloved New York City Mayor Eric Adams.
Mayor Adams liked her style.
He took an interest in her in a non-sexual way.
The two would frequently go to happy hour after work as platonic friends.
One day, on their way to the bar, a big hairy rat scurried across the sidewalk.
Mayor Eric Adams, who is deathly afraid of rats, scaled a light pole in fear.
“EEEEK!!!
IT’S A RAT!!”
- Eric Adams
But The Rat Czar remained calm.
Without missing a beat, she punted the rat into the side of a local jewelers.
She bashed the rat repeatedly onto the glass window of the jeweler.
Rat Czar:“Nice try, Derek.”
Mayor Adams:“What did you say?”
Rat Czar:“I said, ‘Nice try, Derek.'”
Mayor Adams:“You named the rat?”
We should probably clean this up.”
Rat Czar:“Leave it as a warning to the other rats.”
Mayor Adams:“No.
The citizens of New York cheered as the two city officials cleaned up the bloody rat mess.
That’s when Mayor Adams had an idea.
Rat Czar:“Does that happen a lot?”
Mayor Adams:“Yes.
The city just throws tax payer money at me all the time.
Sometimes I forget to use it haha.
How would you like to be our very first Head of Rat Control?”
Rat Czar:“Then I accept.
Can I wear a crown?”
Mayor Adams:“No, I would rather you not.”
Rat Czar:“Ok that’s fine.”
However it happened, Kathleen Gorradi was officially announced as the city’s Rat Czar on Wednesday morning.
