Where it’s not enough to merely lose; we have to loseironically.
As a sort of divine retribution for our past sins.
Maybe for our hubris.
Perhaps we angered the gods.
Or it could be simply to put the scales of the universe back into balance after so much success.
The way thieves would have their hands bound for eternity in pits in the eighth circle of Dante’sInferno.
Presumably because Derek Jeter’s sister wasn’t available.
Sometimes greater forces are at work.
This has to be one of them.
It’s preposterous, I know.
But it’s all I got.
“Trade for DeVante Parker?”
YES.- all the arrows lead you to the bottom square which reads, “1-5.”
But they all lead to the same hideous outcome.
–And of course what we’ll all remember this game for was Parker’s drop.
If anything, it deserves to be immortalized.
I say we name some part of a National Park after it.
Mark it on the trail maps, “Scenic View from Parker’s Drop.”
Some wrestler ought to make it his finisher.
“From the top rope!
Here he comes with Parker’s Drop!!!
And this match is OVER!”
Every Patriots fan should work on naming a sex move after it.
“Oh yeah, things went next level when I gave her the ol' Parker’s Drop.”
Anything so that we never forget how egregious it was.
In a crucial situation.
Parker came to a virtual stop at his break.
Then broke in against inside leverage instead of out, as Jones was expecting.
That wouldn’t get him WR1 status on one of the Olympic Flag Football teams the IOC just approved.
But if he wants to go proudly represent his country right now, I wouldn’t stop him.
(Whose single “Parker’s Drop” will be … OK that’s enough.
I’m going to Parker Drop this now.)
I mean, it took forever to get going.
Bill O’Brien talked midweek about having great meetings and coming up with ways to get things moving.
As O’Brien’s offense produced -3 yards in the 1st quarter, and four 1st downs in the half.
The point being, those meetings should’ve been an email.
The play that was working best for them were hot routes and Bubble screens to Crosby’s side.
Which mitigated the fact they left Lowe on his own to solo block him virtually the entire game.
(Save for one particular play I’ll get to shortly.)
One great example of this was Ezekiel Elliot’s catch and run out of a Dragon concept.
Elliot was the No.
And it was a way to take advantage of one of Jones' defining positive traits.
Which is making pre-snap decisions and having a quick release.
As it is, Bourne is your WR1 by default.
So we’re the ones who are miserable.
Producing insane stats like going 30 possessions without a trip to the red zone.
I’m just making the case that Bourne is exempt from having to share the blame.
–But enough of the positivity.
Let’s talk some more about what went wrong.
Beginning with - and stop me if you’ve heard this before - Mac Jones' interception.
Crap on a crust.
This throw was uglier thanthe Nissan Cube, and also killed perfectly good drive.
And there was no reason for it.
But Jones had no problems slipping underneath the outside rush and escaping.
It would be one thing if this throw came from a rookie.
The first example is part of the learning process.
The second has earned it.
Jones' whole state of being right now has to be dedicated to eliminating these mistakes.
But he simply cannot be relied on to do the smart thing any more.
But you have no alternative.
Which was “help” in the sense that you help a drowning man by tossing him an anchor.
Mike Gesicki not only didn’t touch Crosby, he didn’t even redirect him.
I thought he did a pretty admirable job considering the assignment he was handed.
I assumed he was going to get spun around like a ceiling fan all game.
But for the most part, they were able to limit the damage.
Until they couldn’t.
Which was impossible once that pass went through the meaty part of Parker’s thumbs.
‘Member Berries:
… with no relevance to our current reality.
And this offense is the Overlook Hotel elevators right now.
Sure, they were highly effective in the red zone.
But they also had plenty of practice.
They just simply couldn’t make a stop between the 20s.
Not counting the kneel-down at the end, Las Vegas had eight possessions.
One ended on a turnover.
Six of the other seven made it to the red zone.
That’s an impressive number for any team.
But especially one that has America’s Backup QB under center for half the game.
–Overall there were just too many 3rd downs conversions allowed.
Instead, Hoyer hit Tre Tucker on a 48 yard Post with Jonathan Jones in coverage.
But backup QBs of his caliber are hard to come by.
–Credit as well goes to JC Jackson, who played almost every down of the game.
Particularly in the end zone, where he threw a blanket over Adams at least twice and forced throwaways.
I don’t know how they do it, but it’s a tradition around here.
Watching Michael Mayer eat the secondary’s lunch brought back memories of Chis Matthews in Super Bowl XLIX.
But without the happy ending.
Jalen Mills complained on X about his playing time last week.
–“PARKERRR!!!”
That’s Patriots fans at these games now.
And she never does.
–Next up on the schedule comes the Bills and the Dolphins.
Is it too soon to start speculating on the No.
1 overall draft pick?
And how GM Bill probably wouldn’t be here to make the selection?
UPDATE:A friend sent me the video of Parker’s lazy route.
But the Doctor Who GIF stays right where it is.
