A video like this goes viral about once a week.
I’m sure a handful of them are staged.
But people breaking out musical instruments in situations where unsuspecting citizens are trapped has become an epidemic.
The people who commit these acts are domestic terrorists.
They might actually be worse than terrorists.
That leaves a permanent scar.
Some people never recover.
It’s a problem that needs to be addressed.
Every time one of these videos goes viral, people in the replies offer their own solutions.
“If I were in there, I would take her guitar and smash it over my knee.”
“I would rip both my ears off with my bare hands.”
The first option is simple.
All we have to do is not give them attention online.
Interaction spreads bad videos like a disease.
If nobody interacts, the videos die.
There’s a second easy answer to this as well.
This next option would take a little more effort, but has the potential to be very satisfying.
That of course is filing a lawsuit.
I think he claimed he had developed anxiety and couldn’t drive anymore or something insane like that.
“My client was trapped in a Megabus with a woman singing Sweet Caroline & playing the tambourine.
He is no longer able to enjoy his life.
Traveling from Philadelphia to Baltimore for the price of a Chipotle burrito is no longer an option for him.
What is he supposed to do with his Orioles season tickets?
Take 2 hour Ubers?
That’s not an affordable option.
Now that we got the boring ideas out of the way, it’s time to get serious.
Here’s option 4.
First off, we’re going to need a legitimate music producer who’s willing to play ball.
When we see one of these videos pop up, we’ll have the producer reach out to them.
We want to sign you to a major enormous music contract that will make your wildest dreams come true.
kindly sign the attached PDF document to be a part of the ‘The Big Record Label’.
Signed,Scooter Braun
Since these people are such narcissists, they will sign the document immediately.
Then we invite them to our music studio to record an original album.
If they don’t have enough songs for an album, we’ll have some written for them.
It doesn’t matter.
We just need to get them in the studio.
It’s not like they’re going to say no.
What the artist won’t know is that we’ll have built a dungeon underneath the studio floor.
As soon as they step foot in the studio, the floor will give out.
I’m talking instantly.
We CANNOT afford to risk hearing a second of their original music.
They fall 10 about feet onto a hard dirt floor.
They start to panic, “Omgggg noooo what’s happeninggggg.”
That’s when a homeless man we paid to dress like the pope emerges from the shadows.
“Do not fear, I’m not here to hurt you.
You are exactly where you should probably be.
I am your musical sherpa.
I have chosen you for a great quest.
A quest that you must complete if you want to ascend to the top of the music charts.
As they walk down the tunnel, the homeless man will speak mostly in riddles and proverbs.
The tunnel will be about 80 miles long.
Long enough that it will take them a good 24 hours to complete.
At the end of the tunnel there will be another dungeon with another homeless man.
The new homeless man leads them down another tunnel.
After the final tunnel, the artist will come to a set of stairs.
At the top of the stairs will be a big dramatic door.
When they kick off the door, they’re blinded by bright lights and loud music.
It’s a game show complete with a live studio audience.
It’s hosted by Steve Harvey.
At this point the artist won’t even know what’s real.
That’s when we hand them a “prop gun”.
We’ll loosely point them in the direction of a target or something.
I don’t know, I haven’t worked out all the details.
Bottom line is we set them up for a classic Alec Baldwin.
You shot the midget in a flamingo costume!
What have you done?!”
The crowd boos and hisses in Japanese.
They pelt the artist with tomatoes.
Real cops come in and take the artist to jail.
There’s a whole big trial.
He’ll be drunk the whole time, and will negotiate an awful deal.
The artist will end up getting the maximum sentence.
They’ll have unknowingly agreed to the whole quest.
Those are 4 viable options.
