I love New York City as much as the next guy.
It’s the land of opportunity.
The best city in the world.
At least that’s what I tell myself every month when I send my landlord $2,000.
Something you poor’s in the middle of country couldn’t begin to understand.
It’s called life experience.
Another thing the makes the city great is themystery.
There’s a lot ofmysteryin these streets.
Why is there always smoke coming out of the ground?
Why are all the homeless people standing at 90 degree angles?
How are 4 boutique pet shops on the same block in Chelsea able to stay in business?
So many unanswered questions.
Most of which I’m perfectly content in not knowing.
But there’s one mystery that I can’t just ignore.
That mystery is located at 33 Thomas Street in Lower Manhattan.
I’ve been thinking about this building non-stop ever since I learned it existed about an hour ago.
It’s creepy as hell.
Take a step back and stop being a sheep for 1 minute of your life.
That’s what they want you to think.
You’re not sheep, and I’m not a facts guy.
Dave Portnoy didn’t build a media empire from the ground up using logic and reason.
The leading theories are relatively straight forward.
For a long time people have believed it to be a secret base for the NSA.
Although after 2 weeks I imagine that building turns into a war zone.
Soon you’ll have a cannibal situation on our hands.
On second thought it might be preferable to die in a fiery explosion.
For the record, if there’s a nuclear explosion, I’d like to die right away.
I have no interest in the post-apocalyptic world.
But anyways, those are relatively boring explanations.
The NSA is spying on us.
“John what wacky idea do you have about what happens at 33 Thomas Street?”
I’m glad you asked.
I think it’s a giant stack of dead bodies.
Those cemeteries can’t handle that bang out of volume.
So what happens to the bodies?
Do they just vanish into thin air?
Are we sending them elsewhere?
Maybe some families can afford to send their dead mee-maw upstate, but what about homeless people?
Do you think were cremating every dead homeless person we find sprawled out on 7th avenue?
And they’re not cremating them either.
A single cremation costs thousands of dollars.
I know the city isn’t paying for that.
But you know what’s cheaper?
Every once in while they douse the bodies in gasoline and burn them into ash.
My other theory is that it’s a building that provides public services to famous people.
Have you ever seen a famous person at the Post Office or DMV?
Do you think Taylor Swift is going to update her license amongst all of us gross civilians?
She goes to the secret famous people public service departments located in the windowless tower.
It’s one of those two things I think.
Unless it really is just a phone tower (year right).
