I’m certainly no thief.
The only time I’ve ever shoplifted, or stolen anything has been under dire circumstances.
Or anytime I entered a gas station between the ages of 18-22 and really wanted candy.
In my defense, drug dealers are scary.
It wasn’t even my fault if you think about it.
If you’re going to blame anyone, blame Purdue Pharma.
My hand was forced.
But Ineverhaveandneverwillsteal a package off a doorstep (applause break for me).
That’s a bridge too far.
Ok well I guess that rule is very much written(see: Porch Pirates Act of 2022).
It’s just that stealing packages off porches seems so damn easy.
It must have close to a 99% success rate.
What could be in the box?
An illegal shipment of Quaaludes purchased off the dark web?
It could be anything.
There’s only one way to find out.
What a thrill porch pirating must be.
It combines the suspense of unwrapping a Christmas gift with the rush of committing a felony.
But we can’t allow ourselves to give into that impulse.
We have to be better than that.
It’s actually crazy this doesn’t happen even more often.
It’s crazy we haven’t come up with a better package delivery system by now.
It’s crazy people just accept the risk every time they order something online.
Make multiple trips to multiple stores?
Support local businesses that have been crumbling left and right because of people like me?
Luckily, homeowners are starting to catch on.
Take the man from the NY Post article a top the blog.
It’s just a shame he wasn’t able to get any swings in.
I’m not sure if he can legally beat the shit out of the guy.
But I’m sure the cops would have allowed him one clean shot to the body.
But regardless, good on you Carlos.
We need more people like you in the world.
Unfortunately, not all porch pirates will be as brazen as this man.
Take this next thief for example.
Good luck stopping a criminal mastermind like this with your fancy ring camera.
A caper that would make Wile E. Coyote blush.
It won’t stop there either.
Maybe one day a porch pirate shows up dressed as an Amazon driver.
Or maybe one day he shows up and puts a gun in your face.
Guarantee that’ll make you turn over your bulk order of toilet paper.
We really should have a better package delivery system set up.
But Amazon ships 1.6 million packages per day.
A whole lot of those are going to be delivered to an unprotected doorstep.
If it were up to me, I’d set up a lot more booby traps.
For every few legitimate packages delivered, I’d have the Amazon driver drop off oneglittersmall bomb.
A bomb that only goes off when opened.
Tell the homeowners that if you ever see a package with your name misspelled, DO NOT open it.
The porch pirates won’t know the difference.
Let someglitterbombs go off in their faces and see if they keep stealing packages.
