COLUMBUS A 12-year-old boy was found alone inside a Target store in Ohio Monday morning.
A Target employee was working to open up the store when they found the boy, according to WBNS.
The child was previously described as being 7-years-old, however; police later said he was 12.
First things first, this child is fine.
Fine as in alive.
But he survived the experience.
The child is in good health (physically).
And I’m hoping he had the time of his life.
That part is sort of awesome.
There’s no better age to be locked in a big box retailer with zero supervision than 12.
You still have the blissfully unaware brain of child.
For a child, the shelves of Target are stocked full of wonder and possibility.
They have all the newest toys on the market.
The Super Soaker 1 Million.
Snacks you’ve ever even heard.
Bicycles AND plastic ramps.
Golf balls AND clubs.
The entire store is a 12-year old’s playbox.
Even more importantly, when you’re that young, can’t get in trouble.
Unless you manage to shove a kitchen knife through a night janitors throat.
It’s a win-win situation.
Free reign at a Target is heaven is for a child.
Gas Station
Fairfax Media.
I’ll preface this with it has to be a nice gas station.
A clean, fully stocked gas station.
Just think of the possibilities.
You could do a whole tournament of snacks.
Make 4 regions “Salty, Chocolate, Gummy and Drinks.”
Give a taste to every snack and determine a winner from each bracket.
Get yourself a Final 4.
Determine a Gas Station Snack Champion.
Fuck I should honestly just do this myself.
Either way sounds like a blast.
Dick’s Sporting Goods
Dick’s Sporting Goods could potentially be the winner of this.
Basketballs + basketball hoops.
Hockey nets + sticks + pucks.
Baseball bats + balls.
it’s possible for you to play any sport you want.
Plus they have literal guns.
At least they did when I was a kid.
Dick’s Sporting Goods packed heat.
You might have to shatter some glass to acquire the guns and ammunition.
Obviously the kid will need to practice gun safety procedures.
But what is firing a few rounds into the lacrosse section going to hurt?
It’s not like the lacrosse section is a some huge money maker for Dick’s.
That’s a shame.
But maybe there are still some in the southeast that carry them
Cold Stone Creamery
KAZUHIRO NOGI.
But that’s not the same.
Honestly mom.. shut the fuck up.
When I get a double scoop I have to get 2 complimentary flavors.
Do you not realize how much that handicaps my decision?
And it’s not like you’re going to buy me multiple cones you prude bitch."
That’s the only way to experience the creamery.
Any Major Sports Arena
A big time college, or any professional sports stadium will do.
To go out there and stand on the 50-yard line, or home plate, or center ice.
When there’s nobody else around.
Imagine being at Madison Square Garden.
You’re at center court.
You run through some imaginary last second buzzer beater scenarios in your head.
It inspires you to take your sports career more seriously.
You decide to dedicate your life to the game.
By sophomore year of high school, you start getting some attention from D1 recruiters .
You continue to lead your HS team in scoring for your final 2 seasons.
But unfortunately, you never hit that growth spurt the recruiters were hoping for.
You get a few scholarship offers from D2 schools, but you have bigger things in mind.
You walk to Ohio State.
Once the coaches see you play, you’ll get your chance to shine.
But after a decent freshman season, Thad Matta brings in some even better recruits.
Their athleticism and general understanding of the game put you to shame.
You ride the bench another year.
They can never take that away from you.
Adopt don’t shop.
What a way to spend an evening.
They’ll probably let you keep at least 1 puppy.
you’re free to spend your whole night evaluating puppies to determine which one is best.
Maybe even have some sort of puppy tournament like you did with the gas station snacks.
The possibilities are endless.
Prison
This one could be controversial.
I’ve always been fascinated by prisons.
You’ll get millions of dollars out of that fuck up.
Massive Indoor Skate Part Equipped with Foam Pits and Trampolines
This one is actually the winner.
It’s not even close.
There used to a place called Xscape Zone in the Bowling Green, Ohio mall.
It was just a giant indoor skate park.
Full sized vert ramps, foam pits to jump into, a “fazer ball” arena.
They even had a theatre style video game room with a million different games to choose from.
It was something out a 12-year old’s dream.
