Moving from Texas to Chicago has brought about a shit ton of changes in my life.
I don’t live on nearly an acre property anymore so I’m much closer to each neighbor.
When I was moving, I thought that I would hate that.
For my entire adult life, I’ve lived and owned houses with a decent lot size.
Moving here has been very different from anything I’ve had previously.
I’m pretty sure I saw my neighbor’s old tits the other day.
I screamed in horror.
Close houses are not for the faint of heart.
There’s no doubt about that.
Tighter quarters come with more conversations with my neighbors.
I didn’t know a single neighbor’s name in my last spot.
Truly remarkably sized knockers no matter how long and thin they were.
Like uninflated bike tire tubes.
But, I never spoke to her save for basic pleasantries.
One of the major differences between Texas and Chicago is that this place is infinitely more bikeable.
There are bike lanes of all types.
There are elevated, curb-protected, and regular road-adjacent bike paths all over the city.
The city is also widely flat so there’s no elevation.
I rode for 12 miles this weekend and the elevation was 88 feet.
The temperature is obviously very different too.
It was simply not an enjoyable activity there.
Chicago is different in that regard.
Last year in the summer and well into winter, I rode my e-bike to work every day.
Probably not because I’m a huge pussy at this point in my life.
That brings us to now.
My good new pals that are in my neighborhood have invited me on a bike ride.
That bad boy is 100 miles and you gotta ride a road bike.
Now, don’t get me wrong.
I would have loved to ride my trusty e-bike.
So, I purchased a road bike.
Two weekends ago, I went out for my first voyage on the new bike.
I was cruising with ease.
Riding in and out of major roads was easy peasy.
Taking long strides and pumping the ole legs lit a fire in my belly.
Last week, I did a little bit longer of a ride and came to one conclusion.
My asshole has never taken punishment like it did because of one thing.
Those shits are so damn skinny!
Which brings me to my point.
How on earth are there not better seats for road bikes?
Why do we have to endure such ass crack trauma so you can ride these things?
Is no one working on this technology to make bike seats both sleek and comfortable?
Am I poor because I’m using a stock saddle?
Truth be known, I was born with a shitty ass.
There’s no mistake about that.
I’ve never heard, “damn chaps.
Do you better have a dump truck for these rides?
If not, I will regrettably have to take a garden gummy to numb all of my senses.
I think your ass crack is a sense in the truest sense of the word.
Pray for my asshole.
100 miles is gonna leave that thing looking like an old pile of wet, thin leather.
PS: If you’re riding a bike, might I recommend this for some casual listening…
