Despite the absurdity, they always make sense somehow.
The Sun - doesn’t count.
It’s a literal star already, not even a planet.
No one could handle the Sun.
#9 - Pluto
Ugh, Pluto.
The girl who everyone feels bad for but nobody actually wants to date.
MAJOR middle child energy.
Never doing enough to interest anyone and always getting forgotten.
A big rock without gasses or rings or anything more exciting than a couple of craters.
#8 - Uranus
Poor Uranus.
She wants nothing to do with anyone.
A cold, barren wasteland with a NO VACANCY sign in the window.
Sadly, Uranus is too far beyond saving, even for those with the biggest hero complexes out there.
Shes so #DONE with everyone else, she started to spin on her side just to be different.
She even has 13 rings that nobody knows about, and she refuses to show off.
Rumor has it, she even RAINS DIAMONDS.
No one is worth it.
Hot because shes unattainable, but SO unattainable, she is no longer hot.
#7 - Mercury
Our outdoorsy, adventurer punch in.
A rocky planet, shell be tough as nails and shell expect you to be the same.
Shell never cry, but shell never be the big spoon either.
At the same time, all that energy and strength will probably have her hanging off your dick 24/7.
If hiking doesn’t make you horny, why do people do it all the time?
#6 - Venus
The regulation hottie.
Shes generically good looking, and she knows it.
One of those girls who never had to develop a personality because she was hot.
She lives her life clout chasing but thinks shes building real relationships.
Shes been through some shit, and she doesnt trust you.
Yet somehow, you cant get enough.
She might key your car but shell make you cum just to prove that she can.
#4 - Jupiter
The celebrity of planets.
Fun, catchy name, larger then life (literally) but subtly full of air.
80 moons to keep track of, and WAY too cold to even consider warm feelings towards anyone else.
Unattainable, famous, pretty = hot.
Her answer to everything is a big bowl of chicken soup and a hug.
Shell do your laundry and make your lunch for you, even if you walk all over her.
Shes used to Mankind destroying her from the outside in, and likely the inside out.
Shell fight back (tsunamis, earthquakes, etc) but really she just wants a little appreciation.
Everyone loves a giver.
#2 - Saturn
VERY sexy.
Saturn is basically Jupiters younger, hotter sister.
Another big bitch full of air with dozens of moons, but is actually mysterious.
She doesnt want to settle down, but she wants to make you think she does.
Shell lure you in, break your heart and never think about it again.
#1 - Neptune
Despite being another Ice Giant, Neptune is exponentially hotter than Uranus.
In fact, Uranus is probably jealous of her.
Shes the girl with glasses who becomes super hot when she takes them off.
The thick, windy atmosphere is mesmerizing and makes you want to know, whats going on under there?
Shes a tough one to crack, and shes too smart for your bullshit.
Shes full of hot gasses, despite being a cold planet, which is confusing and interesting.
Neptune is the girl that all of your girlfriends are afraid of.
There we have it.
Marry Neptune, Fuck Saturn, Kill Pluto IMO.
