It’s a beautiful 84 degree day, the sun in shining and there’s sand between your toes.
You’re wearing your brand new $400 Derek Rose Maui 52 Swim Shorts.
Not Derek Rose the basketball player.
Derek Rose the designer.
You thought Derek Rose the basketball player had an expensive line of swim trunks.
But now that you know it’s the other Derek Rose, you like them even more.
When people ask, “Hey where is that swimsuit from?
“, you respond, “It’s Derek Rose.”
Then they say, “The basketball player?”
and you reply, “No you uncultured piece of shit.
Derek Rose,the designer.”
then you smugly walk away.
You’re the hottest dude on the beach.
You mosey over to your styrofoam cooler and grab your 27th drink of the day.
You and the boys walk the shore of the beach, playfully grabbing each others dicks.
They’re clearly the alpha males of this island.
It’s a group of 800-1000 drunken college students cheering aggressively.
As you get closer, you see that it’s a beer pong tournament.
You and your friend Mikey are the best beer pong duo at McNeese State.
It’s about time you took your talents on the road.
They get the best of you, but honestly it was kind of bullshit.
They had one guy who beat everyone.
None of your boys could overpower him.
Swear to god he was like 6'4”, 260.
He must have been a football player or something.
The rest of them were such pussies.
2 of the guys didn’t even go.
If you would have gone 1-for-1 you guys would have won for sure.
Finally, the fat guy in charge of the tournament calls your name.
It’s your time to shine.
You and Mikey step up to the table and do your cool secret handshake.
Your opponents are a couple of GDI virgins from Purdue.
They’re a couple of nerds with dumb faces.
You and Mikey get off to a slow start.
It’s windy on the beach, which is something you’re not accustomed to.
But the nerd virgins are used to it.
Things are not looking good for you and Mikey.
They’re down to the last cup, and you still have 5 more to hit.
Mikey calls for a classic 3-2 offset re-rack.
He knows what he’s doing.
Then all of the sudden, something magical happens.
The wind dies down.
You and Mikey hit both cups.
The balls are sent back.
You hit both cups again.
It’s all tied up.
You hit them both AGAIN.
That’s not even up for debate.
The Purdue dweebs are happy to concede the loss, because they’re soft and non-confrontational.
You begin to argue.
Texas State Douche:“REBUTTAL!
You:“IT DOESN’T MATTER WE BOTH MADE THE CUP!”
Texas State Douche:“YES RE-RACK, YES REBUTTAL!!
YES RE-RACK, YES REBUTTAL!!”
You:“WE BOTH MADE IT, IT DOESN’T MATTER!”
Arguments over the rules of beer pong break out across the island.
Officer #1: “Alright guys let’s settle down.
What’s going on here?
Cool swim trunks, man.”
You: “Thanks, they’re Derek Rose.”
Officer #1:“Yeah, no shit.
Ok, so who’s in charge.?”
You:“Mr.
Officer, first off, thank you for your service.
I’ve always backed the boys in blue.
But we’re in the middle of an important beer pong match.
They’re saying our opponent gets a rebuttal, but those aren’t the rules.
Since we both made our shots in the last cup, that means we win.”
Officer #1:“I see, I see.
Well, did they pull the ball?”
You:“Yeah… but in this situation it doesn’t matter.”
Officer #1: “Sure it does.
Yes re-rack, yes rebuttal.”
You: “Excuse me?”
Officer #1:“You heard me.
Yes re-rack, yes rebuttal.”
You:“Oh my god, that’s not even the saying.
The rule is ‘no re-rack, no rebuttal’ not ‘yes re-rack, yes rebuttal.
‘, it doesn’t necessarily work both ways.”
Officer #1: “It’s the transitive property, kid.
Look it up.”
You:“I don’t think you know what the transitive property is.”
Officer #1: “Are you calling me a bad police officer?”
You: “No.
I think this kid might be right.
Are you not playing island rules, son?”
You: “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
You: “I’m surprised you’re entertaining this conversation at all.”
Officer #1: “Fucking kids… alright everybody gather around.
Oklahoma Drill time.”
The crowd goes wild!
You: “Fuck, what..?”
Officer #1:“Look, pal.
I’ve been policing spring breakers on this island for 15 years.
Thousands of college students form a circle around you.
You: “Officer, we don’t have to do this.
Our opponents aren’t even here anymore.
The Texas State douche bags aren’t even here.
What are we even doing?”
Officer #1:“Look, smart ass.
I don’t care who.
Like you’re going to… ok. Alright, who wants to Oklahoma Drill?
I WILL DEFEAT YOU IN AN OKLAHOMA DRILL AND BE NAMED KING OF SOUTH PADRE ISLAND!!
The crowd goes wilder!
The entire island is watching.
You: “Officer, I don’t think this is a good idea.”
Officer #1 & Officer #2 point their guns at your head.
You:“Ok sick.
Good police work guys.”
You remain unsure of what happens after the Oklahoma Drill is complete.
Will you be charged for assault against a woman?
Will you be let free?
Be crowned King of South Padre Island?
That’s the South Padre Island experience.
Officer #1 fires his gun into the air to signal the start of the Oklahoma Drill.
They did not warn you that they were going to do that.
Your heart stops and you fall on your chest.
Have you been shot?
Last time you checked, their guns were pointed at your head.
Suddenly, Drunk Purdue Girl jumps on top of you and starts scratching your face.
She’s just scratching the shit out of your face.
Not kicks, or even bites.. Just a bunch of violent scratches in quick succession.
She’s basically gouging your eyes out.
You most likely have permanent long-term vision damage.
But by now it’s too late.
The crowd is going ape-shit bananas.
Clearly the island has determined that Drunk Purdue Girl is the winner of the Oklahoma Drill.
The cops place Drunk Purdue Girl on their shoulders and parade her around the beach.
They fire their guns in the air in celebration.
You let out a blood-curdling scream and start hyperventilating once again.
Is this what hell is like?
You lay on your back and stare up at the sky.
Everything is blurry and red.
Spring Break got the best of you.
It’s Panama City Beach all over again.
But that’s when you feel a hand on your shoulder.
It’s your homebody Mikey.
Just in the nick of time.
Mikey:“Tough day, champ?”
You:“Not my best.”
Mikey:“I’m sorry, brother.
I know how much being named King of South Padre meant to you.”
He hands you an ice cold Passionfruit Tequila High Noon Seltzer.
Mikey takes a seat next to you in the sand.
The rest of the boys gather around.
Thank god for the boys.
South Padre Island is truly the perfect spring break destination.
