I’ve grown to resent the phrase “Brevity is the soul of wit.”
It flies in the face of everything I write.
I prefer a lengthy blog.
A good blog should be a grind for the reader to get through.
“Hmm John Rich hasn’t posted a blog in a while.
What’s that about?
Wait.. here’s one.
Oh wow, it’s 10,000 words long.
He must have worked tirelessly on this for the last several days.
That fully justifies his lack of blogs this week.
What an incredible hire.
It’s the polar opposite of working smarter not harder.
But what is brevity anyways?
So think about that next time you quote Shakespeare at me.
Anyways, this shit is going to be long.
The Blog Wheel has tasked me with writing about a 30 person Barstool Sports Employee Royal Rumble.
If there’s one thing I know people love, it’s reading about fights.
I’m assuming a traditional Royal Rumble consists of 30 people.
I wouldn’t know.
I’ve never been a wrestling guy.
So how do I go about selecting 30 people to participate in this Royal Rumble?
Do I pick the 30 Barstool employees who I like the most?
Or maybe the 30 people I like the least?
It’s not that simple.
There’s a lot of things to consider.
Hey @FKA_L_Bivens, I appreciate your participation.
I understand where your head was at.
It seemed like a fun idea to me too.
But what am I supposed to do here?
Give a written play-by-play of a whole ass Royal Rumble?
Write fan fiction about my co-workers beating the shit of each other?
That’s kind of bizarre.
Seems boarder line creepy.
I feel like I’m playing out a Stoolie’s weird sadistic fantasy.
TAKE THAT BIG T!
GET CHOKE SLAMMED BITCH!
HIT KAYCE WITH THE CHAIR!
Also, Barstool would never agree to a Royal Rumble.
That’s a ridiculous notion.
Wrestlers are trained professionals.
Never in a million years could we pull off a choreographed 30 person Royal Rumble.
The only way to make it entertaining would be if we fought for real.
West Virginia wouldn’t even sanction that.
Barstool would have to be down bad before we resorted to some barbaric violent sideshow.
That’s the only way employees would ever agree to participate.
If a Barstool Royal Rumble were to ever happen, it would probably look something like this.
Do you know how many fucking kratom companies are in this country?
It took me way too many tries to come up with a name that isn’t already in use.
Luckily, You Got Kratom is still up for grabs.
Hopefully it still is by the time this blog gets published.
Naturally, Ben Mintz would be the referee.
The first wrestler is Dave Portnoy.
Wrestler #1: Dave PortnoyHe doesn’t show up.
It’s insane that anybody would have ever thought he’d want to be involved in this.
He assuredly doesn’t even know it’s happening.
You Got Kratom is not pleased.
There’s a whole bunch of smoke and flashing lights and all of the other cutesy things wrestlers like.
However, by the time he gets to the stage he is completely gassed.
He immediately gets a migraine.
Brandon takes off his shirt and lays down on the mat.
Wrestler #3: Kayce SmithShe makes an extremely pregnant entrance.
Wrestler #4: KBJust here to get in a few good grappling sessions and support the kratom community.
Wrestler #5: FeitelbergFeitelberg and KB wrestle for fun.
Brandon’s migraine has worsened, and he’s now puking in the corner.
Kayce walks over to Brandon and rolls him out of the ring.
He ignores Kayce because he’s not going to wrestle a pregnant woman.
He does his best to join in with KB and Feitelberg, but they’re not interested.
Feitelberg and KB briefly team up to drag Steven out of the ring by his glasses.
His jokes singlehandedly make the Royal Rumble worth watching.
He politely exits the ring once he’s out of material.
Feitelberg gets bored of wrestling and exits the ring.
Jersey Jerry steps into the ring wearing a pair of Thorogood 1957 Steel Toe Boots.
He has his eyes on the prize, and will stop at nothing to win the $100k.
Jerry plans to use the money to throw his child a proper party for his half-birthday.
It’s KB who makes the first move.
But as he shoots the leg, Jerry counters with a swift kick to his mouth.
KB’s teeth and blood go soaring into the crowd.
Jerry gives him a couple hearty head stomps for good measure, then launches him over the ropes.
What Jerry has done is unfathomable.
The medical staff tends to a fully unconscious KB.
Luckily he still has a pulse.
The crowd is in utter shock.
What started as a fun wrestling match amongst co-workers has turned into a bloody horror show.
The remaining members of ANUS are sobbing uncontrollably.
Kayce and Rico swiftly exit the ring, eliminating themselves.
Thankfully, KB gains consciousness as he’s being loaded into the back of the ambulance.
He gives the audience an emphatic thumbs down.
Which is true, because the crowd has fallen deafly silent.
They can’t afford for the Barstool Sports Royal Rumble to end early.
All of their eggs are in this basket, and they desperately need the publicity.
It’s not that the quality of their kratom is inferior.
Unfortunately, it takes more than a quality product to make it in the cut-throat kratom industry.
They claim that the contracts we signed are binding.
But entering the ring means risking your life.
Jersey Jerry shows no mercy.
He calmly walks to the ring, steps into the ropes, then immediately exits.
As long as everybody enters the ring, Barstool has held up their end of the deal.
It’s the obvious solution to their problem.
Unless someone decides to take their chances with Jersey Jerry and his steel toe boots.
It’s a Grand Slam.
The crowd rises to their feet and gives him a standing ovation.
Frank enters the ring.
Surely he’ll exit quickly in the same manner as Kirk.
But he doesn’t.
He just stands there smiling, still on a high from his Grand Slam review.
The crowd begins to panic.
GET OUT OF THERE FRANK!
HE’S GONNA KILL YOU!
IT’S NOT WORTH IT!
But all of the sudden, something comes over Jerry.
He can’t attack Frank with his steel toe boots.
He can’t bring himself to do it.
Not even for $100k.
He retreats to the ropes and awaits the next wrestler.
Deion Sanders is cut off by a team of police officers.
The cops dramatically make their way into the ring and surround Jersey Jerry.
The crowd has fallen silent once again.
After a few minutes of muffled conversation, the police apprehend Jersey Jerry.
They place him in handcuffs and walk him out the side door of the facility.
He’s being charged with felonious assault.
Jacksonville PD is taking the star of the show into the back of a cop car.
12th Eliminated: Jersey Jerry
One of the remaining police officers takes control of the PA system.
The Barstool Sports Royal Rumble For $100k Presented By You Got Kratom has been cancelled.
c’mon exit the premises immediately.
The crowd doesn’t put up much of a fight.
This has obviously gotten out of hand and needs to be stopped.
A representative from You Got Kratom enters the ring with a comically oversized check.
The You Got Kratom rep grabs the mic.
Frank The Tank becomes irate.
He stomps his feet and eats the shirt off his body.
The crowd begin yelling obscenities at the kratom people.
FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING FRAUDS!!!!
GIVE FRANK HIS MONEY!!!!
YOUR KRATOM FUCKING SUCKS!!!!!
KRATOM IS ONLY CONTRIBUTING TO THE OPIATE EPIDEMIC!!!
YOUR PRODUCT IS NOT FDA APPROVED AND IS PROBABLY DOING MORE HARM THAN GOOD!!!
The audience throws trash into the ring as they exit their seats.
A majority of the Barstool Sports employees have been long gone.
Most are visiting KB at the hospital.
People begin to take to Twitter.
KB was remarkably cool about the entire situation.
He said he didn’t want to see a man with a family lose his job.
Although Jerry remains employed, he is now under strict supervision.
If he slips up one more time, he’s gone.
It’s a zero tolerance policy.
Everybody involved in the Barstool Sports Royal Rumble lawyers up.
Within a few days, everybody is suing each other.
You Got Kratom is suing Barstool Sports for not following through with the event.
Barstool Sports is counter suing.
Frank The Tank is suing You Got Kratom for refusing to pay him the $100k prize money.
Jersey Jerry was released on bail, and is suing the city of Jacksonville for a wrongful arrest.
KB settles out of court with You Got Kratom for store credit.
He agreed to not sue Barstool Sports in exchange for a 200% raise to his salary.
