There’s been a lot of guff hitting my ears as of late on the topic of Podcasting.
Listen, I don’t know what “good” Podcasting is.
Nor do I know what clip of recorded conversation will make the masses unite as one in group outrage.
I was having this exact talk with my coworker Francis just yesterday as we were playing chess.
(Yes he won, as he really knows how to maneuver a white knight).
The issue is, oftentimes the loudest critics have never attempted the very thing they criticize.
Making personal stories relatable to every listener.
Pulling ideas from thin air.
All of it difficult.
Just read the scenario and click your decision.
You win when your clip makes the main page of Barstool Sports.
Day Begins
Errrrrt Errrrnt ErrrrntYour alarm on your phone startles you awake.
Steve Irwin has felt a ray more recently than you.
You have to record in 4 hours, and don’t have a clue what to talk about.
You’re a professional and have plenty of time.
you might make any experience into a story.
As you leave your apartment you are met with the first decision of the day.
“Ah I always fluctuate like this” you mutter to yourself, lyingly.
The people loved it.
Ding
The elevator doors open.
You fear if you exhale too hard she will turn into a cloud of dust right in her moo-moo.
You put in your RayconTM headphones in hopes she doesn’t make a run at converse.
As soon as the doors close you feel her tap on your shoulder.
You brace yourself to be pelted by tapioca and Fixodent laden breath.
I broke my clavicle just a few days ago."
“Ah, she must have a Yak wheel of her own”, you think to yourself.
Help Her
Do Not Help
Take the Steps
Crash
You come to at the landing.
You struggle with 12 steps as much as Dana B.
You’re only a 7 out of 10 on the pain scale.
“This would be perfect for the Yak wheel” you think to yourself.
You rise to your feet, woozy, realizing this is just what you needed for today’s podcast.
People love a good topple.
But then again…you are getting dizzier and dizzier.
Go to the Hospital
Go to Record
“Gladly” you say to her, ungladly.
She’s fumbles her keys and eventually gets the door open.
You take one step in and hear a rip sound.
Before you could say a word she asks, “So what do you do for a living?”
You explain to her what you do in great detail.
“Ah don’t worry dear, I was unemployed for a long time too.”
Did this centenarian really just talk down on your career?
“I hear you are planning on doing falling down stairs content.
Kinda my thing.”
You completely forgot Jeff hilariously fell down the steps of an Apple Store.
Everybody knows Podcast content has to be original and never said.
A small child walking by compliments it, saying he has the same one.
Jeff leers at him before returning his attention to you.
“Lucky for you this is the last mistake you’ll ever make.”
His snap is the last thing you hear as you fade away.
Restart
“Eh, I should probably get this checked out.
“, you say as you move and feel a popping you have never felt before.
You pull out your phone and call an Uber.
His thick accent asks, “Hospital, yes?”.
You nod and the car is put into drive.
Awkward silence commences, and you attempt to break the ice.
“Ummmm, so are you from New York?
“, he turns around, his glare saying"Are you fucking serious"without actually saying it.
“Umm, like, I meant to say where are you from.”
His eyes haven’t been on the road for 30 seconds.
BOOM
The car screeches to a halt.
My god you hit somebody.
A figure with black hair lay on the ground, travel mug of wine spilled on the cross walk.
“Nooooot again”, you hear, Barstool Fund papers flying everywhere.
You just hit a coworker.
Fuck, and she is more hurt than you.
Your story is ruined, as you are one upped.
Don’t Help
“Oh, I’m sorry I am running late for work.
It’s the equivalent of rushing to San Fransisco in 1854.
Now you just need to get to the office and record.
The people need to hear this.
You pull out your phone and call your best friend.
Ring Ring
“Hello?”
“Dude, I’m at work, you have to stop doing this.
Click
Whatever fuck him, what do Pediatric oncologist know.
Go spend your day with Caillou.
Didn’t ever once thank you for all that Hogs for the Cause promo.
You’ll come crawling back when you want a 15% off code for blue light glasses.
Luckily the boil order will be reflected in your rent, lowering it to only $3400 a month.
That smile stops though, when you feel a stabbing pain shooting up your leg.
A shame your doctor friend is a complete asshole.
You should probably go to the hospital, but you really should be getting into the office.
The question is, how are you getting into work?
OR you could spend more money and take the longer commute of hailing a cab.
Either way, your New Yorker pride swells, you love not being able to independently travel.
Take the Subway
Hail a Cab
Ask Her About Her Job
You take the bait.
“Well what did you do?
“, you ask.
She smirks, “Oh I was a pilot!”
“A female pilot.
“, I say correcting her.
“The first to fly alone across the Atlantic Ocean.”
You have just hit the jackpot.
You manage to find the words, “Wait..you’re Anne Frank.”
“Amelia Earhart.”
“That’s what I meant.”
She nods, “Yeah, the fame got too much for me.
I never got a moment of peace.
It’s exhausting being a hero to everybody.”
Finally somebody you might relate to.
Unfortunately, this story couldn’t fit into a 15 second Podcast clip.
You frown as you realize this has been a tremendous waste of time.
And to add insult to injury, you gotta get into the office.
“, shaming your peers.
The question is, how do you get there?
Take a Taxi
Obviously you get pushed on the tracks.
This is New York baby!
Take a Cab
“TAXXeeeXXIIII!
“, you say, your voice cracks and you hear a snicker from a passerby.
You clear your throat, “TAXXXXII!
“, you bellow, voice ten decibles lower than normal.
“Thanks man, I’m headed to EASILY GOOGLEABLE ADDRESS, running late for work.”
“Ah very cool.
What do you do for a living?”
“I’m actually a Podcaster, I-”
“REALLY?!
Oh fuck not again, he thought you meant Podracing.
Every time this leads to an awkward conversation.
Play Along
Correct Him
“Well, actually, its PodCASTING.
“Oh…that’s pretty fucking stupid.
Get out of my car.”
He screeches to a halt and dismisses you from your vehicle.
You look around and are still a good 50 blocks from work.
You’ll never make it in time…
“Uhh yeah, I placed 9th this year.
Actually headed back to Tatooine to run some test laps this weekend.”
You look up and see the drivers eyes of adoration staring into your soul.
“Yeah okay sure.”
At the next red light you get into his driver seat.
you should probably get north, but there is heavy traffic that way.
You could always bang a left and give a shot to bypass it on the highway.
You go:
Straight
Left
Go Straight
You really need to get to the office.
You think of yourself a good driver, and can weave better than a beauty shop.
You press on the gas and start dodging traffic left and right.
Things are going smooth until you feel aBOOMhitting your rear bumper.
You glance up at the rear view window.
What in the world is that.
“Oh no, its Gasgano!
That filthy Xexto from Troiken.
“, you driver excitedly yells from the back seat.
you oughta get this 24 fingered fuck off your tail.
But you aren’t quite sure how.
it’s possible for you to always attempt to outrun him.
But you could play it dirty and slam on the brakes.
venture to Outrun
Slam on the Brakes
Take a Left
Fuck it, lets take a shortcut.
You whip the wheel left and -
You just hit a coworker.
Fuck, and she is more hurt than you.
You will never make it to your recording slot on time now.
“Lets teach this guy a lesson” you say.
With one slam of the foot you come to a screeching stop.
Oh no what how you done.
When he passes, you se a golden locket hanging from his pencil neck.
Against your better judgement you open it.
He had a young daughter.
You are a monster.
Gasgano smirks at you from afar and veers left to pop the curb as a shortcut.
He tries to swerve but absolutely pulverises the woman, as she does multiple cartwheels midair.
“Hope she knows the legal system well.
“, you think to yourself.
You let off the gas as you approach the office with a sigh of relief and walk inside.
2 minutes until record time.
“It’s okay I have nothing either.
“Yeah go ahead.
“, you say.
He goes to his backpack and pulls out a hot dog.
Wait a second…did he just call that a sandwich?
Decide to Talk About That
Keep Thinking
“No, that’ll never work.”
You sigh and keep thinking.
As you sit there in silence there is a knock at the door,a dn it creaks open.
“Oops, wrong room.
“Yes c’mon come on in.
“, you cohost says.
You interview him, get some fantastic candid moments, and share some good laughs.
The Podcast is posted the following day and had 400,000 views on YouTube.
But you look for your shows clips on Twitter.
As your scrolling, a notification pops up on screen.
You read the expected email as a frown forms on your face.
Everybody can see the mirrored words “PODCAT CANCELED” in the reflection of your Felix GraysTM.
Talk About That
It hits you like a GMC Yukon hits a blogger.
“Dude, did you just call that a sandwich?”
“Why wouldn’t I?
“, your cohost snaps back aggressively.
You nod to your producer to start recording, and continue the debate.
You come to, reading the final ad.
“What just happened?
“, you ask.
“Magic”, your cohost smiles.
Morning arrives soon and you open up your phone, and a smile overtakes your face.
You’ve done it.
YOU WIN(?)
“What the fuck did you say to me you old wench?”.
You start going on a tirade.
It sounds like the Mets just gave up a run, and are now only winning by 11 runs.
“Honey, I think you should really respect your elders.
“, she says.
You continue to berate her, flailing your arms so wildly you knock off the faucet of her sink.
Water starts flowing in her apartment, running under your feet.
So much it forms a stream.
But your rage does’t subside.
She raises her 6 month chip.
You know you just made a mortal mistake.
You are done for.
