First off, I’m not thrilled about blogging this.
And I’m not just doing this because Tommy is holding a loaded pistol to my head right now.
He’s only doing so metaphorically.
It falls on me because I was fortunate/unfortunate enough to be with Tommy before this all went down.
Nothing crazy was happening.
That’s how I’m choosing to justify her existence in my head at least.
So we’re at a bar.
I had a handful of beers.
Tommy had a handful of $16 brightly colored cocktails.
Nothing noteworthy at all.
Eventually we got bored of skee-ball and decided to go to another bar.
I had my first ever chopped cheese.
It was gross and I enjoyed it.
Of course, while we’re getting food, I missed the fun part.
I’m assuming this punch happened sometime around my 3rd or 4th bite of chopped cheese.
Apparently I missed the incident by like 10-15 minutes.
As soon as we sat down Tommy says, “I got us free drinks.”
But nope, don’t worry.
It was way stupider than that.
I wasn’t even told he grabbed this girls ass at first.
Which made no sense at all.
Eventually when the girls stepped away for a minute, Tommy told me exactly what happened.
It wasn’t like a group celebration of Tommy.
Which in hindsight seems kinda stupid.
Not to tell these girls how they should feel, but it wasn’t like some massive life-changing incident.
But whatever, I’m just telling you what the vibe was.
So we’re drinking our free pitchers, still not talking about what actually happened.
As we all drink more and start loosening up a bit, then everyone finally starts talking about it.
It was a whole bunch of…
“Did that seriously just happen?”
“I can’t believe you actually punched that dude”,
“Tommy you’re amazing!”
“Do we just get free beers for life now?”
Now that the horrific trauma that they all experienced was behind them, things were actually fun.
And the bar was just getting started.
They ordered pizzas for us.
We ate like 1 of the pizzas, then were just sitting there with 3 whole pies.
At that point, I’m not even sure how many people knew the punch happened.
I thought they either just knew Tommy from Barstool, or were super fired about free 1-topping pizza slices.
He asked Tommy if he’d hang around for a bit so his son could come meet him.
At this point we had to, considering how well they were treating us.
It was literally like this kid was meeting Derek Jeter.
I say literally because this literal kid had Tommy Smokes sign a literal baseball for him.
There is now a Tommy Smokes signed baseball that exists in this world.
So we walk with this 12-year old Tommy Smokes super fan and his dad to the Barstool office.
We brought the pizzas with us because we felt like it would be rude to leave them behind.
Tommy was gone for a while, so we heard this whole tragic story.
I was borderline tearing up.
Then finally, Tommy comes around the corner with the plates and napkins.
The homeless Ukrainian refugee family kindly accepts the offer.
The kid was downright giddy.
We get to talking and learn that this woman was a cleaning lady back in Ukraine.
Tommy immediately calls the cleaning service we use at Barstool to see if they had any openings.
Apparently they always have openings, so Tommy set up an interview.
Before we left the office, Tommy gave the Ukrainian refugees the key to his apartment.
But yeah that’s about it.
Hopefully this doesn’t get to his head.
But Tommy really did punch that dude which is maybe wilder than anything else in this blog.
