And spoiler alert, the United States isn’t at the top.
It sits at No.
23, the United Arab Emirates is ranked at 22 and Slovenia at 21.
I’ve long been a sucker for lists on the internet.
There’s something about a list that always gets the people going.
First things first, how dare the USA Today report on a happiness list that leaves out the USA.
I expect that from the Brit’s over at the Daily Mail.
They think happiness is eating dry cookies out of tin containers and harassing Royal Family members.
Plus, they’re all still mad about the Revolutionary War.
But the USA Today?
How dare they acknowledge this.
What the fuck does World Happiness Report know about happiness.
Let’s take a look at what countries are supposedly “happier” than we are.
I don’t expect the United States to be ranked ahead of the Scandinavian countries.
Everybody knows that Scandinavia is the happiest place in the world.
There are no problems in Scandinavia.
They have free healthcare that I’m told causes zero problems for tax-payers.
Tall, blonde supermodels with sing-songy accents make up 90% of the female population.
They have beautiful ski resorts, hockey, Dolph Lundgren, the Swedish Chef from Sesame Street.
Who wouldn’t want to be a part of that?
I have no qualms with Scandinavia topping the list.
I’m going to respectfully opt out of commenting on Israel.
But I won’t be getting political today.
I will say, bar mitzvah’s look like they’d be a delight.
After Israel is when they lose me.
I refuse to concede Australia and New Zealand are happier places than us.
That sounds more like a fever dream than a “happy time”.
Also people from New Zealand are called “Kiwi’s”.
Apparently that’s not offensive, but it really sounds like it should be.
I took a trip to Costa Rica with my family when I was in college.
It was fantastic for a vacation.
It was all very fun and happy.
But all I heard about the whole time was how dangerous the city was.
We were supposed to be sooo careful every time we left the resort.
Also, the car we rented was the worst smelling vehicle I’ve ever rode in.
I wanted to puke every time we drove anywhere.
And the roads in the mountains were all unpaved and bumpy.
That’s no way to live.
Austria is responsible for Hitler, so that should automatically ban them from the list.
As Americans we’re raised to believe Canada is America’s super friendly hat.
It’s supposed to be a delightful place full of hockey and poutine.
However, their entire country has been on fire for the last 5 years.
There’s nothing happy about that.
Every picture I see of Ireland kind looks depressing.
The sky is permanently grey.
What about the potato famine?
Frank Fleming’s great great great great grandpa Seamus Fleming moved to Ireland the day of the potato famine.
One day everything was fine, the next day Seamus Fleming shows up and BOOM!
- big time famine.
Ask him how fun that was.
Lithuania isn’t a place I think about ever.
All I know about them is that their basketball team is better than you’d think.
Jonas Valanciunas is from there.
That’s something l I guess.
That’s what I thought.
And of course the United Kingdom sneaks in at the 20 spot.
But I refuse to concede the UK is happier than us.
If my country beat you in a war you don’t get to be happier than me.
I didn’t care of it.
All that matters is that people have opinions on it.
The more upsetting the list the better.
Just ask Chris Simms.
He’s made a career off of it.
