You see, people love to have a little sex.
I’m not ashamed to admit it.
I like having sex.
Say it with your chest.
“I love sex.”
Youre damn right it does.
“But Chaps, I have a super shitty dick, how am I supposed to fuck?”
Buddy,,, we all have shitty dicks.
There is a way around that and it’s through the majesty of musing.
It’s the sensual nature of songs.
It’s the magnificent melodies that gets a slight drip a goin.
There’s no mistake about that.
This morning I was listening to KFC Radio (a podcast by Kevin Clancy and John Feitelburg).
Feits was talking about how he ordered a Michael Bolton shirt and it ended up getting stolen.
Shortly thereafter, Kevin mentioned that Michael Bolton was fuckin music and he couldn’t have been more correct.
Like sweaty and shit.
And that’s what this blog is about.
Can you say clit in a blog?
I dunno but I’ll just poke the NSFW button and we’ll be set.
I know what you’re thinking.
How on earth is this song number 5?
It deserves to be so much higher.
Now, I understand that this song might be a little outdated.
I don’t think folks want a sole provider.
We are all strong and independent.
Beyonce taught us that.
Well, Taylor too.
I don’t wanna leave her out.
Oprah too but you knew that.
That one goes without saying.
Can I Touch You… That lets you fuck in 1992 but not today.
Too horny for a first date.
Here’s the real one.
It’s a slow fuckin song so you don’t need viagra or an inhaler or anything.
Beautiful yet undeniably sexy.
Getting a little silly.
You sing along to this jam.
Your partner starts laughing because they’ve never heard this song.
You haven’t heard that song.
Dude, you gotta hear it.
It’s hilarious haha.
You’re in for a real treat.
It’s like a comedy singing group that featured Michael Bolton who is like a Jack Sparrow superfan.
You gotta hear it.
Do you wanna listen now?"
You look at her to see if she’s enjoying it.
“I really like that song but who is Michael Bolton?”
She really loves this song but also a few other Lonely Island tracks.
She must have a dynamite sense of humor.
“I still can’t believe you don’t know who Michael Bolton is.
I know it’s kinda corny but I love ballads LMAO.”
I didn’t peg you as a ballad guy.
Well, I didn’t peg you at all yet lol."
That was a flirty little sentence.
But will you like it?
Who’s to say.
Here we go and now we are ready to play number one."
When a Man Loves a Woman
Whew!
I am as wet as an otter.
That song creates a Pavlovesq response.
It’s like my version of a little bell when the food shows up.
I’m sorry if you aren’t familiar with Pavlov.
I don’t have time to explain that now.
Quickly though, the key concept in Pavlov’s theory is conditioning.
This process of forming associations between stimuli and responses is the main theory of classical conditioning.
For example, the aforementioned bell.
Pavlov would ring a bell every time he would feed the dogs.
The dogs would start salivating when they saw their food and heard the bell.
Eventually, the dogs started salivating with just a bell ringing which reinforced his theory.
Do you see the connection now?
Michael Bolton leaves your dick salivating essentially… or pussy.
Michael won’t mind and neither will your new lover.
Anyway, if this works, email Cons@Barstoolsports.com to let him know about it.
