And I know how you do it.
By giving the teachers gifts.
Look, I know you might think bribing is a dirty word, but capitalism is capitalism.
Its sell or be sold.
Buy or be bought.
Give them one of the below presents, sit back, and marvel at your youngsters soaring grades.
It’s free, every week, in your inbox.
In other words, theyre your garden variety narc.
But theres a way of getting around this:apples.
Traditional teachers love apples.
Those truly were the days.
And you know whats even better?
Good grades are a step closer.
Others just looked at the world, saw chaos and uncertainty, and wanted to do something about it.
Like a shirt with buttons.
The gift this sort of teachers appreciate most is stationary.
Thats just a fact.
Stationary is the tool the rigid people use to navigate the world.
They combat the oscillating nature of human relationships by having a really, really accurate ruler.
They get over their parents deaths with meticulously organized markers.
But, what do you get the stationary enthusiast who has everything?
Ill tell you.The FlexDesk 640.
Look at this fucker:
Still not convinced?
Let me shower you with some quotes from the products description:
You know its perfectfor the overly-organized teacher.
They can store their paperclips and hole-punch in there.
Its just the way it is.
you gotta think outside the box.
Get them something they definitely wont have.
Something like…a thermal camera for their phone?
But, and as a disclaimer, dont give this to a creepy or gym teacher, yeah?
The fitness fanatic
Theres always one school employee who loves exercise a bit too much.
Something like…AN UNDER DESK CYCLING MACHINE.
Imagine all those hours theyve wasted sat down and not exercising.
Think about how it haunts them.
Then, when you give themthis solution to remaining swole and sweaty, how kindly theyll treat your offspring.
The loose cannon
Ah, everyones favorite teacher.
Think back to your school days, remember a teacher who was late to every class?
Wore a stained shirt?
Arrived at school each morning wearing sunglasses and armed with a garbage can of coffee?
Of course you do.
A normal gift isnt going to cut it with this individual.
Hell, they probably dont even remember your name.
Or your kids name.
Or the name of the school they work at.
But you know what theyd remember?
For ease, here they are again:
Good luck with the bribing.
Ah, thats better.
Godspeed to better grades.
