Look, LinkedIn sucks.
You know it, I know it, even humans grown in hugeMatrix-style vats somehow intrinsically grasp that LinkedIn.
This is perfectly encapsulated in one circular inch of pixels on almost every page of the site.
Were talking, of course, about the famed LinkedIn photo.
How LinkedIn are they?
Are they the most acutely LinkedIn shots of all?
Or do they somehow rise above the riff raff?
Eschewing the aesthetic chains that shackle us laymen and transcending into something magnificent?
And in doing so find out whether the companys top employees truly live and breathe the LinkedIn aesthetic?
It’s free, every week, in your inbox.
And thats what were about to do.
First though…
We need to define what actually makes a LinkedIn photo quite so LinkedIn.
HERE WE FUCKING GO.
you might see his entire torso a very no-no move in the wild world of LinkedIn.
Plus, that background?
I can see details.
Not LinkedIn in the slightest.
Yes, hes looking at the camera with a dead-eyed gaze.
Yes, hes got that single unbuttoned shirt in that business-blue.
But no, this is the least LinkedIn looking of any of these LinkedIn photos.
We need to talk, Mikey.
You may have thought your startup-y plain t-shirt (shirt?
would get you points, but were not fooled.
This photo looks like it was taken in some Silicon Valley keg party in a BDSM dungeon.
Is that a fleck of beer on your cheek?
I cant see it, but Im sure hes holding a joint in his hand.
Nothing wrong with these things of course, but I know a party pic when I see one.
I was drunk in my LinkedIn pictures for years.
Im still a little drunk right now.
Steve has a scarily wide selection of different woodworking tools in his garage.
Yes, Steve looks like a stand-up kinda guy.
And therein lies the problem.
Hes not even looking at the goddamn camera.
#5 Jeff Weiner, Chief Executive Officer
Oh Jeff.
Just call this guy Oscar Meyer.
I bet he owns a golden retriever who never shits on the carpet.
And calls his mother every night and actually enjoys it.
This guy is straight out of aGleemusical number.
You know how I can tell?
I proffer you could tell a lot about someone by the shape of their eyebrows.
I mean, Donald Trump?
Like glued on bits of baby hair.
Jeffs are strong bushy yet shapely, wild but tame.
In fact, his entire facial hair situation is perfectly coiffed into being messy.
But something sinister lurks beneath.
Jeffs hair is trying too hard.
Just LOOK at that jaunty eyebrow its practically crawling off his face trying to escape.
As for the rest of his face, what more is there to say?
All in all, it looks like an ad for a real estate agency.
#4 Mohak Shroff, Senior Vice President of Engineering
Ah fourth place.
Mohak has a lot going on here to make himself the most LinkedIn LinkedIn photo.
Looking straight at the camera?
Whats stopping him from being standing on the podium then?
Well, he looks too goddamn nice.
Touche, Mohak, touche.
Yet, despite this, Christina hits number three on our list.
First, that hairstyle is what you get when you sacrifice seven scalps to the god of business hair.
Look at the volume, the shape, the precision thats an expensive fucking haircut.
Next, look at that gaze.
Off-center, aching, and endless.
Her expression exists in the no-mans land of LinkedIn.
Then, lets consider how the portrait is framed.
It adds a little bit of middle-of-the-road color to the black and white photo, embellishing the LinkedIn vibe.
Oh my, the necklace.
Those thick links make a very chain-like piece of jewellery.
And does her vaguely-amused expression suggest she likes your suffering?
Who am I, a humble writer, to possibly say?
#2 Shannon Brayton, Chief Marketing Officer and Senior Vice President, Communications
Hey Shannon.
If this isnt the smile of a seasoned marketing mercenary then I dont know what is.
Im buying whatever shes selling.
Id be afraid not to.
Look at that collar is it a turtleneck?
She is highlighted as fuck, lipgloss popping, and sporting the perfectly arranged hair of a weatherperson.
Endorse me, Shannon.
Everything is working here.
His smile is sheepish, yet his eyes glint with the of a man who has all the money.
If he opened his mouth, his teeth are probably covered in blindingly gold grills.
Also, very hip frames.
Finally, Id be remiss not to mention how moisturized his lips look.
What lip scrub are you using?
How do they look so slippery?Whats your secret?
Youre hired, Blake.
And what about our LinkedIn photos?
And, although we might be shitty people, were notthatshitty.
It was a close call though.
Georgina Ustik
Oh damn, Georgina this is LinkedIn as fuck.
That single color background screams middle management.
Thats not a smile theres a grimace hidden behind that grin.
Still, this is arguably the most LinkedIn photo on the entire page.
Im not sure whether to mourn or congratulate you.
Callum Booth
Callum, what did we say about black and white?
And look at that exposed tattoo… did you roll your sleeves up especially for the picture?
Ive never in my life seen you wear glasses.
What kind of faux-glasses wearing bullshit is this are you applying to be a store manager at Urban Outfitters?
You know Callum, we get along, but did your gran take this photo?
Or do you always pose in front of floral wallpaper?
Youre not fooling me, Booth.
You were nice about mine, but friendship requires honesty.
I would rank you after Weiner.
What was the point of all this?
Could it be to provide a guide for how to visually succeed at LinkedIn?
Or were we just bored at work?
Well, were not really sure.
Underrated for sure tell your mom we said hi by the way.
