Its that time of year again.
Dont get me wrong, theres a lot of great stuff too.
Take holiday movies for example, there are some absolute classics.
But theres also a lot of really really terrible films which for some reason we lower our standards for.
It’s free, every week, in your inbox.
Netflix knows we eat shit for Christmas, so theyve served it to us on a platter.
But how much of a hand does big data have in creating these movies?
The concept, plenty, but what about the plot and the dialogue?
I decided to watch every single one, and rank them based on how likely they were completely AI-generated.
I also comment on general criticism of shittiness that has nothing to do with robots.
Also, this article has spoilers.
Her best friend Josh comes home from traveling around and photographing the world, and clearly loves her.
Every day it gives her a toy which predicts an event thats going to happen that day.
Painfully sappy, and offensively boring.Vox referred to itas aggressively bland and I couldnt agree more.
Blaming a robot for this dialogue is an insult to technology.
Did it rip off any other movie plots?
Why, of course it did!
Basically, women are shit until men tell them otherwise.
But that might be too out of left field for machine learning to pick up on.
Santa is also an asshole.
The brother is just mean, and the sister is weirdly precocious.
Precocious children creep me out.
This movie definitely ripped offThe Santa Clause, but alsoThe Polar Express, two classics.
Doubtfirewas one of the most disappointing moments of 2018. who is invited to Belgravia to enter into a prestigious baking competition.
She doesnt want to go because Christmas time makes her sad about her ex boyfriend.
She goes to Belgravia with her best friend (!!!)
Kevin and his precocious daughter, (!!!)
The tagline is Life is what happens when youre making other plans.
It doesnt have much to do with the plot.
This was probably my least favorite of the bunch.
Everyone needs to stop being horny for their best friends.
Second of all, another precocious child.
Never trust a child with a better vocabulary than yours.
Third of all, the men are terrible in this film.
FYI, most women have opinions.
Theres also a villain, who tried to steal the crown in the original movie.
And theres a union problem in the kingdom, which the royals are trying to solve.
The main character tries to help but is told to stay in her lane while the king fixes it.
Everything else has been ripped from the plot ofThe Princess DiariesandWhat a Girl Wants.
Also, why are all these movies so weird about Europe?
EvenThe Holiday Calendaralluded the advent calendars origins were somewhere in a fantastical European city.
Also every European person had a British accent, but American movies do this all the time.
I dont even think I finished this one, so I cant tell you how it ends.
Maybe watchDie Hardinstead
The results are in.
Netflixs most likely to be written by a robot movie of 2018 is… all of them!
Id bet my annual $30 holiday gift from grandma on it.
Skip these this holiday season and watchDie Hardinstead.
