As the dust settles, there are clear winners and losers from all this.
If I’ve learned anything about baking an image-repair cupcake, the magical ingredients are contrition and pandering!
So let’s see where everybody landed:
WINNERS!
Ohio’s Tate
Probably the clear winner of this entire saga.
If I had to guess, Dave probably has a job for you.
Don’t go to Chicago though; they’re happy.
You belong here, burning in hell with the rest of our Hills-Have-Eyes collective.
BREAKING: In the minutes since I submitted this blog, Tate has been hired full-time.
We eagerly await his arrival.
I ran a criminal background check but the man has lived by the book.
Nothing a few nights out on the town in New York can’t fix.
Kirk
you’ve got the option to’t beat Kirk.
Not just because he’s probably the best pound-for-pound fighter we’ve got.
No, Kirk is unbeatable and possibly immortal because nobody hates Kirk better than Kirk hates Kirk.
How do you knock a man down when he lives comfortably at both rock bottom and mountaintop?
He simultaneously exists both dead and alive, retractable claws ever-ready like some ferocious Schrodinger’s Cat.
Kirk, you are my brother in macabre ideations.
I’ll bring bath salts and my skimpiest trunks and you’re able to choose the music.
Until then, if you’re looking for a place to empty a load, yo consider my tonsils.
I know you eat clean.
Klemmer
Klemmer quietly put out a fabulous piece of work while the fire raged.
I really like Klemmer as a person and he’s a voice of reason in dark times.
Well done, Klemmer, and thank you for your counsel.
We’re all going to watch it.
Which makes us all winners!
This was a loss.
I’ve been stress-eating pastries laced with Xanax like some picky Bernadoodle who won’t take his deworming pills.
Half our staff is ten calories away from Joe Exotic trying to monetize our offspring.
If I lose sight of my penis due to protruding gut growth, I’ll sue for body dysmorphia.
You take your licks and keep showing up until your key card stops working.
Then it’s back to hunting and gathering and waving hello to my old pal Pete the Sweep.
Worse things have happened to better people.
Kelly
My cohost, my partner, my friend.
Somewhere, someday, we’ll make that happen.
Maybe Kirk will give us the last ten minutes of his show for the segment?
A boy can dream.
Until then, let’s write our way back into the win column.
Nate
I guess Nate straddles the winner and loser line.
Still, far be it for me to come to the defense of Nate.
That dude gives me the heebie-jeebies.
You just don’t know what it would take to kill something like that.
Seriously, he looks like a pile of afterbirth.
What happened to your JAW, Nate?
Heavenly father, the mandibles on this lad!
His entire mouth is made of molars.
You could lash him to a canoe paddle and use him to extract woozy drivers from crumpled collisions.
Lord help us if he’s bitten when the zombies come.
The head of Pac Man on the body of Stephen Hawkingrightbefore the chair.
For now, I’ll start looking for marginally smaller apartments and punching up my resume.
God have mercy on us all.
