I never took a proper vacation for most of my life.
Even when I was traveling, usually to see family or friends, I was on.
Even on the weekends, or in the evenings, I was on.
Even when I went out for drinks, I was on.
The only time I switched off completely was when I went to a meditation retreat.
It’s free, every week, in your inbox.
I averaged four hours of sleep a night at one point.
Because working became more and more fun.
And I never wanted to stop.
And then I burnt out.
I also created a kind of mastermind group with five women.
A month later, I was melting down.
By the summer, the depression set in.
By fall, I was in therapy.
I felt way too tired to do anything, really.
Work aside, I could hardly socialize, or hold a real conversation.
It was exhausting, for me and everyone around me.
I felt like I was in a black hole of time and space.
No sign of light, or lightness.
Just cold, heavy darkness.
And my existence stuck inside it.
Eventually I realized I was just making myself even more tired.
So I started to give in, and only felt guilty every second day, then every third.
And in between I started to find pockets of time to be a teenager in summer vacation again.
I stopped writing, I stopped planning, I stopped thinking about my career.
I stopped wondering if Id ever find a partner.
Most of the time, I was too tired to think at all.
To feel like I was in a summer vacation once again.
I remember my school summer vacations as a kid.
I remember, so clearly, that I never really relaxed, even as a kid.
And when I got older and started working, I didnt really relax even over vacations.
I always needed to be fulfilling some kind of external expectation of me.
And I was always carrying around a metric tonne of pressure internally.
Eventually the pressure re-emerged I had just been suppressing it.
And what if that happened that same day.
I never really considered harming my body, it wasnt true clinical suicidal ideation.
I had no gory thoughts.
Just a very deep, desperate desire to find the exit.
Of course, I concluded, once I died, I would not feel anything.
So I imagined the world without me in it, and wrote my own obituary.
I turned off my phone and took a four hour nap, dead to the world.
When I woke up, I felt a little bit freer.
It even felt like a bit of a relief to not be passionate about anything anymore.
To notneedanything that intensely.
To just be free of all my own ideas about my own existence.
Anxiety and panic were not words I associated with myself before.
Just like meditation and high intensity exercise.
In alignment with each other.
We dont live in a world where we can do things at normal speed anymore.
Technology and media have forced everything to advance to a higher speed.
Theres no time
But before we break down from overload, I say, lets slack off.
But not really landing in either.
Creating a tunnel between the two.
Letting reality flow into our private mind space, and letting fantasy flow into what is really happening.
Dont wait for virtual reality to take over this space too.
In our current reality, there is no summer vacation of freedom.
Thats a lot of holiday homework, if you ask me.
And I want to take back my summer vacations.
After all, that space between my mind and my reality is not for sale, nor for rent.
Its mine and I will not let anyone plant their flag in it.
But I finally started writing again, after many months of creative drought.
And it was spontaneous.
To let reality soak into me the dissolve into my dreams and come out transformed by my fantasy.
Twirling together like strawberry and vanilla softies in a unicorn cone.
I say, slacking off should be the next high productivity tool.
The world might be better for it.
But first, I think its time for a nap.
Story byMoulsari Jain
Moulsari Jain is a social innovation artist teaching people the power of Doing Nothing.
She guides people and organizations to unlock their own superpower with creativity, vulnerability, and world-changing purpose.
For morebold insightsand to book a coaching, consulting or speaking session, visitmoulsari.com.
