There is a moment in every man’s life when opportunity comes knocking at your door.
Opportunity that is not only life changing financially but also spiritually.
No I’m not trying to get you to sell Herbalife.
I am talking about the opportunity to join the Illuminati.
Now one could be skeptical about this person who sent me the DM.
This guy is the real deal.
The first thing I noticed was the copious amounts of spelling mistakes in his response.
We are all fallible, even members of the Illuminati.
Or Illuminate as he was now calling it.
I immediately offered to murder my neighbor Steven as a tribute.
I wanted to let this guy know I mean business.
Plus, Steven sucks.
Steven has zero clue how close he came to being murdered.
Well played, Steven.
You live to see another day.
On one hand, I was pissed my shitty neighbor wouldn’t be erased from the earth.
On the other hand, I was happy I wouldn’t have to risk going to jail.
The Illuminati was already saving my ass, literally.
Power Rankings…
Fuck yes!
Friends with Jay-Z and Beyonce AND that piece of shit Steven is as good as dead?
This whole Illuminati thing is everything it’s cracked up to be and then some.
You may want to debate me on my power rankings (embrace debate!)
but you would be wrong.
Steven at number 4 was an obvious one.
He’s the worst.
Fear is a great emotion for a lasting relationship to be built upon.
Everyone laughs at Putin’s jokes even when they aren’t funny.
Plus, there are plenty of rich people who have no power or friends.
Look at Elon Musk.
Power > wealth every time.
At this point he did not respond for nearly an hour and I feared that I had maybe overshared.
I’m so stupid.
Every time I bring up my exes grandpa or my OnlyFans addiction I push people away.
Why can’t I keep these thing to myself?!
Thankfully he eventually returned.
Maybe he was just on his Illuminati lunch break eating a baby or something.
The only thing I knew for sure was that my girlfriend had to go.
No way I could let my new Illuminati friends see me with her.
She would only mess up my game.
After all I was about to be SWIMMING in pussy.
But the google chat thing wasn’t the only problem.
It also seemed he gave me the wrong email for the grand master.
I was starting to think this would never come together.
I deserve lunch with Jay-Z without giving up $500k, damnit.
And then, just when I was about to give up, I received a google chat notification.
It was James Wilfred, grand master of the Illuminati.
He did not want to talk about murdering Steven right now.
I get it, the grand master is probably a very busy guy.
This guy really is grand.
Mr. Wilfred is a no nonsense jot down of guy.
it’s possible for you to tell by the fancy robe his wearing in his profile picture.
The only people who wear robes are either judges or part of a secret society that practices human sacrifice.
Both of those are very popular among the Illuminati I’m told.
My attempts to impress him with my early 2000’s hip-hop knowledge fell on deaf ears.
He was obviously more of a pop-punk guy.
Since I’m from Cleveland like MGK, I totally get it.
So no one told me there would be poors.
Nonetheless, I powered through this disappointing news.
There was an elite underground society to join and I wasn’t going to let myself get distracted.
He then sent me a long questionnaire.
You would think the Illuminati would know how to whip up a proper Google form.
After all, they were pushing the Google Charts on me like a crack dealer earlier.
This bitch is going to ruin this whole thing for me.
And I will not have a repeat of Al’s.
At this point I was sweating and pacing around my office.
All my dreams down the drain.
No power lunches with Jay-Z and Paul Rosenberg.
And worst of all, Steven wasn’t going to be murdered.
I’m never going to be able to sleep in on Saturday.
To my surprise Mr. Wilfred came back after a few minutes.
I thanked him and also let him know the trivia answer.
I don’t think he knew it.
The utility was submitted and it was now out of my hands.
Was I worthy of Illuminati-ship?
The suspense was killing me.
I needed to know.
And then I got my answer.
Just like that the dream was gone.
